


Not Your Fault But Mine

by pomme_noir



Category: Star Trek (2009), Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Accidental Marriage, Aliens Made Them Do It, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, First Time, M/M, Romance, space married
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-01
Updated: 2016-08-01
Packaged: 2018-07-28 13:20:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 28,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7642117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pomme_noir/pseuds/pomme_noir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To avoid a diplomatic incident Jim and Bones get space married.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Your Fault But Mine

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sullacat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sullacat/gifts).



> I don't own Star Trek. I make no money off this silly piece of fanfiction. Thank you to my beta Mamacita. For Sullacat with a thousand and one apologies for the four year wait!

  
  
  


Jim turned to his First Officer. “Did he just say what I think he said?”

“Indeed, Captain. It would appear the Ambassador wishes to marry you.”

“I was afraid that was what he said.” 

“Perhaps we are misinterpreting him. It would be wise to ask for clarification.

Jim turned back the Ambassador. “Forgive me, sir, could you repeat that?” His universal translator repeated: “We wish to marry you.” He turned to Spock again. 

“Maybe we should beam Uhura down,” he suggested. 

“She is no more familiar with the language than we are.” 

Jim fought down the urge to heave an exasperated sigh. “Nothing to do but take the bull by the horns.” He turned back to the Ambassador. He figured if he went for the less presumptuous route, the fallout would be less. “We’re not a couple.” 

The Ambassador and those surrounding him twittered in the native language in high tones. He finally asked, “So you are unattached?” 

It was a loaded question if Jim ever heard one. “Spock is currently in a relationship with our lovely Communications Officer, and I’m sin—” they literally leaned towards him— “ing the ship’s Chief Medical Officer. Dr. McCoy!” 

He’d have felt bad about hauling his friend over, but he had the distinct feeling he was being sized up and it made him more than a little nervous. When Bones appeared at his side Jim flung an arm around his shoulders and said, “Let me introduce you to Ambassador Q’nerik. Ambassador, this Dr. Leonard McCoy.” 

Bones gave him a pointed look and Jim removed his arm. He really hoped Bones would play along. The doctor politely answered all of the Ambassador’s nosy questions regarding how long he and Jim had known each other and how they’d met. Then the Ambassador asked if Bones loved Jim. He could see all of Bones’ responses bubbling up and quickly cut them off.

“Of course he does, like I love him.” It was true in the simplest sense. He knew Bones loved him like a brother, just like Jim did in return.

This delighted the Alcyonites and they talked so fast the translator couldn’t translate, picking up only a few random words. Right when Jim was about to politely interrupt them, they stopped. When the Ambassador suggested they continue their negotiations, Jim readily agreed. With a hastily whispered “I’ll explain later,” he bade Bones goodbye. Hearing the doctor’s muttered reply, he grinned.

He really should have known something was up. The end-of-negotiations banquet was just a little too formal and everyone a little too excited. He’d asked Spock if he thought the looks he and Bones were getting were creepy. Spock had responded that it was rude to call the Alcyonites’ expression of good will “creepy”. When Bones sidled up to him and whispered the same question, Jim shot Spock a smug look. Bones stuck close to his side after that.

Jim was just about to call it a night and bid goodbye to their hosts when suddenly Ambassador Q’nerik stood up. “Honored guests, we have been much impressed with your presence here the past four days. In gratitude we wish to gift you with a chance to commemorate your love.”

At that announcement Bones growled, Spock didn’t so much as blink, and Jim was trying his best not to look as horrified as he felt. “Your tribute is most gracious, but unnecessary.”

The Alcyonites all looked disappointed. Q’nerik was quick to jump in with, “It would be our pleasure to unite you and the doctor in the bonds of love.”

Out of the corner of his eye Jim saw Bones about to say something so he quickly elbowed him to keep quiet. “You honor us, really, but we couldn’t possibly get married right now.”

Q’nerik looked confused. “Are you not in love with the doctor? A leader is not truly powerful until he has been made whole.”

Jim shifted uncomfortably. He could feel Bones’ gaze like the sun’s rays. “I do love him, but—” Here he cast around for a good reason for why getting married right then was a bad idea other than they weren’t really together. “On Earth it’s customary to have friends and family present to witness. Dr. McCoy’s mother would be saddened if we were to marry without her present.”

The Alcyonites nodded in understanding and looked disappointed. Q’nerik just looked thoughtful and Jim was fervently hoping that he’d finally drop the topic of marrying them.

“We have another ceremony that is similar to marriage, but not as binding.” 

The urge to groan was strong and Jim struggled not to give in. Spock leaned over and quietly remarked, “I do not see you being able to refuse participation in some kind of ceremony tonight without offending the Alcyonites.”

“I agree.”

“We’re not getting married Jim,” Bones hissed. “This is your fault. Fix it.”

“I know. They were looking at me all eagerly and I panicked. I didn’t think they’d want to marry us. Look, we’ll just do the not-marriage thing and then we’ll go. They’re not Federation citizens yet, so even if they do marry us it probably wouldn’t be recognized.”

Bones was still frowning furiously, but he looked mildly appeased. “Fine. I’ll do the stupid ceremony, but you owe me—big.”

“Fair enough.” He was so relieved that Bones wasn’t going to make a big fuss about the situation that he would have agreed to just about anything.

He stood up and tugged Bones up with him, keeping hold of Bones’ hand. “We’d be delighted to partake in an Alcyonite ritual.”

That set all of them atwitter. They ushered him and Bones over to where they had set up a trellis-like structure, which he assumed was supposed to be the alter. Yeah, he was probably going to owe Bones for this for the rest of the mission, or—if Bones had his way—-the rest of his life.

They were still only getting a few words at a time from the translator, but it was enough that Jim heard things like “love’s gift is devotion, and in unity one finds their greatest strength.” Jim understood then why the Alcoynites were so persistent about marrying them. To them, one was not truly a great leader until he was united with another. The ability to love another being unconditionally was seen as a necessary quality to rule.

When they were instructed to hold hands Jim felt even worse. He looked over at Bones and saw him clenching his jaw. He tentatively reached out and grasped Bones’ hand in his. Jim interlocked their fingers without thought. He was sure he’d held Bones’ hand before, but somehow it felt like the first time. The heat of Bones’ palm was branding his own sweaty one.

Bones had great hands. Jim had thought about it before. He had long fingers, thicker than Jim’s own, and a wide palm that had cradled his head on more than a few occasions. His hands were surprisingly soft for having to constantly sanitize them. He didn’t even realize he was squeezing Bones’ hand until Bones squeezed back. Jim sneaked a glance at him. He was standing rigid, eyes focused straight forward, but the touch was enough to let him know he wasn’t alone.

It suddenly occurred to Jim that the Alcyonites might expect them to kiss. He ruthlessly suppressed the urge to fidget. It really would be asking too much of Bones to kiss him. Jim knew the exactly moment that same thought occurred to Bones, too. He stiffened even further, and—huh, that was a very good impression of Spock—darted a glance at him. 

Then the moment came when the Alcyonites looked at them expectantly. He turned to face Bones and saw the resignation in his eyes. It dawned on him that the Alcyonites didn’t know how Terrans kissed. Jim smiled and held out two fingers. When Bones caught on he smiled, too, and met them with his own. And because he knew no one but Spock would know, Jim slipped Bones the Vulcan equivalent of tongue.

When they turned back to the crowd they were swarmed by the natives wishing them felicitations. Jim ran interference as best he could, taking the brunt of it. They only stayed a short time. Once back on board Jim gave a sigh of relief. Spock stepped off the pad and up to a waiting Uhura. Kirk went to the console and ordered the pilot to take them out of orbit.

“Come on, Bones, let us get a drink.”

“Happily, Jim.” 

Back in Bones’ quarters with a glass of brandy Jim was ready to laugh off their faux marriage. “So, Bones, what’s it to be? Shall I keep a tidy home and have dinner waiting when you get home or would you prefer for me to be at your beck and call at all times? 

“I’d settle for you not getting hurt on what seems like every away mission.” 

“You’re no fun, Bones. Here I was, worried about the depraved and legally ambiguous favors you were going to call in, and all I get is a ‘be careful’?”

“Would you prefer to be at my beck and call, Jim?” The tone wasn’t flirtatious, but it wasn’t completely teasing.

For a split second Jim didn’t know how to reply, and then he settled for honesty. “If I had to be at someone’s leisure, I’d rather it was you than anyone else.” 

“Only because you know you’d eventually annoy me enough that I’d release you, just to get you out of my hair.” 

“There is that.” He looked Bones in the eye so he’d know Jim was being serious. “Don’t worry, Bones. I’ll talk to Pike and make sure nothing is binding.” 

“I know you will, Jim.” Bones sighed. “You know there’s no way the crew won’t find out.”

“Definitely not,” Jim agreed. “It’s a classic space story. That, and it’s us who got married. The novelty will wear off in a few days.”

Bones glared at him. “You’d better hope so, Captain, or you’ll find yourself getting more than the average inoculations.”

When Jim arrived on the bridge the next morning it was to applause. He playfully took it in stride as he took a seat in the chair. An ensign approached and presented him with a figurine of two men…shackled together. One was blond and the other brunet.

“This is presented to you and Dr. McCoy for being the first on this voyage to become space married.”

“I didn’t know that it was an accomplishment, but I’ll gladly take my prize.” 

Jim laughed at the jokes about how only he would get himself married on a diplomatic mission and how of course it had to be McCoy that he married, because McCoy nagged Jim like they were already married. He only hoped that Bones wouldn’t be taking any jokes his staff made too seriously. He decided to make sure to stop by Sickbay and grab Bones for lunch. In a few days it would become old news and everything would return to normal.

True to his word, after a week the crew had moved on from Jim and Bones’ fake marriage. Bones seemed to relax more after that and even made a joke or two about it himself. With the pressure of meeting new life forms and brokering much needed deals, their little story of being space married was forgotten and three months passed at warp speed.

“Captain, Admiral Pike would like to speak to you privately.” 

“Thank you, Lieutenant. Spock, you have the conn.” 

Once he was in his quarters he brought Pike up on the screen. “Please tell me you’re not calling to reprimand me about my last report? I even had Spock look it over before sending it.”

“No, no. We were actually a little disappointed at how professional it was. The admiralty will never admit it, though. No, I was calling about your marriage to Dr. McCoy.” 

“I know I shouldn’t have lied to them, but they were giving me the hairy eyeball. I was afraid to say I was single. I tried to say no to the ceremony, but they were just so persistent that and both Spock and I felt that it would cause damage to continue to refuse.” 

“Due to their emphasis on love and bonding, if you had admitted you’d lied it would have led to a diplomatic incident.

Unfortunately, it would seem that you and Dr. McCoy are in fact legally married.” 

“Those sneaky alien bastards! They told us the ritual wasn’t a wedding ceremony.”

“They petitioned for all rites performed previous to admission into the Federation to be recognized.”

Jim groaned. “Wait a minute. So we’re not legally married on Alcyone Beta, but we’re married in the eyes of the Federation?”

“It would seem that way, yes.” 

“Bones is going to kill me. I hope you’re ready to advance Spock to captain.” 

“Calm down, Jim, things like this happen from time to time. Interacting with new civilizations always comes with risks and surprises.”

Jim made a noise. “Usually those surprises come in the form of death threats, not matrimonially-aimed guilt trips. What do I have to do to fix this?” 

“You can file the paperwork now; once you’re both back on Earth you can formalize it. The _Enterprise_ isn’t due to hit Earth for another six months; just try your best not to consummate the marriage, and you’ll be fine.”

Jim didn’t know whether to laugh or glare because damn if Pike didn’t sound a little condescending. “Oh, how you must keep the other Admirals in hysterics, sir. I consider myself quite blessed to be mentored by someone possessing such a wit as yours.”

“As you should be,” Pike deadpanned.

“I don’t suppose there’s any way to just not tell Dr. McCoy of his change in status until our return, is there?” 

Pike gave him the “and they made you captain” look. “Dr. McCoy is bound to notice, if for no other reason than that he’ll be informed of the change in beneficiary status.” 

Jim sighed. “Right. How long do you think I have until then?”

“Oh, I’d say about sixteen hours.”

“You’re enjoying this,” Jim accused.

“I’m an old man confined to a wheelchair, toiling away ensuring the Federation runs smoothly. Would you begrudge me a few moments of amusement?”

“Old man my ship’s nacelles.”

“Fine, then think of it as payback for stealing my ship and taking Spock. The linguistic cadets are getting uppity without him to keep them in line.”

“Then let me reassure you and the Admiralty that Spock is living up to their expectations by doing his best to logic the insolence out of me. Vulcans everywhere can be proud.”

Pike laughed and then wished him a good day. Jim sat at his desk a little while longer trying to think of good way to tell Bones that they really were married. When he finally decided on the tried and true method of getting Bones drunk, he headed back towards the bridge. 

When Spock stood up from the chair Jim whispered, “Just in case I don’t make it, I want you to know that your attempts to reform me have failed.”

Spock gave him his “I’m still waiting to stop thinking you’re a one-trick pony and for the epic achievements to begin” look before returning to his station. 

Jim spent the rest of his shift thinking up strategies for _Operation: Tell Bones We’re Actually Married._ He couldn’t be too friendly or Bones would get suspicious. Damn him and his sixth sense for when Jim was hiding something. Finally, he decided that his original plan really was the best course of action—although he wasn’t ruling out the safety of witnesses. He pressed a button on the chair console and waited for Bones to respond.

“McCoy.”

“Bones, do you have any plans for dinner?” 

“I guess I do now.” 

“You do. Meet you in the galley after shift?” Bones didn’t bother to reply.

Jim tried to focus for the rest of the shift; always at the back of his mind, though, was the worry of how Bones would react. By the time Jim entered the gallery after shift he was fidgety with nervous energy. He spotted Bones at a table already talking to a commander from the anthropology division. This was a good thing; a distracted Bones wouldn’t notice Jim’s nervousness. Grabbing his food, he sat down at the table.

“Jim, did you hear what happened in life science lab four?

“No.”

“Seems one of the plants Spock and his team have been studying has aphrodisiac-like properties. Ensign Kniess tried to molest Spock! Can you imagine?” he crowed. “Spock probably told him which regulation he was violating and then nerve-pinched him.”

Jim smiled at the picture of it. It sounded exactly like what Spock would do. “Is Kniess all right?”

“Just a headache,” Bones grinned wickedly. “and a new fear of Vulcans.”

Poor bastard, he was never going to live down trying to hump Spock. “Are you busy after this?” Jim tried to keep his tone casual.

“No.” So it was that Jim followed Bones to his quarters after dinner.

Away from the distraction of the galley, Bones noticed Jim’s tension. “You okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, I just have to tell you something.”

He realized his mistake when Bones stilled and looked stricken. “Joanna?”

Jim hurried over to him. “Shit. I’m sorry. No, she’s fine as far as I know.” 

Bones relaxed slightly. “Then what?” 

Fuck, Jim was nervous. He selfishly clung to the last moments of peace between them. “Pike commed me.” He nervously picked at a thread on his sleeve. 

“Dammit, Jim, just spit it out. You’re making me nervous.”

“Well, it seems the Alcyonites petitioned for their rites to be legal in the eyes of the Federation.”

He heard Bones’ sharp inhalation of breath and against his will his eyes darted to look at Bones. He looked just as angry as Jim knew he’d be. “You told me the marriage wouldn’t be legal,” Bones burst out.

“I said it probably wouldn’t be,” Jim shouted back. “Technically we aren’t married on Alcyonite Beta, just everywhere else in the Federation.”

Bones abruptly stood up and started pacing. “You fix this, or so help me, Jim….”

Jim put up his hands in a placating manner. “Pike told me we can get it annulled in a few months when we return to Earth.” He wisely kept Pike’s comment about consummation to himself. “I’m sorry, Bones.” He tried to imbue those words with a sense of just how sorry he was.

Bones ran his hands over his face. “Only you, Jim, could get me into this situation.”

“And I’ll be the one to get you out of it, too,” Jim said firmly.

“You better.”

Jim was glad that Bones was still talking to him after the whole fiasco. The down side, though, was the crew finding out they really were married. It kept the gossip mill alive and happy, but for Bones it was making an already aggravating situation intolerable. He was tempted to send a memo saying that anyone caught gossiping within hearing distance of the CMO would get a mandatory thirty-minute time-out in a storage unit. Instead he gritted his teeth and made sure that anyone he heard gossiping suddenly starting have computer glitches in the form of early morning wakeup calls. Spock wisely didn’t say anything beyond giving Jim his all-knowing Vulcan eyebrow lift.

Things settled down again and the crew wised up to the fact that they should do their gossiping out of the possible reach of their Captain and CMO. Jim got used to his best friend being referred to as his husband. He thought this should not be the case, seeing as how he’d managed to avoid most serious commitments because they made him feel uneasy. Bones, on the other hand, had not gotten used to it. His eye twitched every time someone referred to Jim as his husband. At first it was funny and Jim would play along, but he quickly stopped after seeing just how agitated Bones got. 

The undercurrent that had been present for months suddenly disappeared, only to return stronger than ever. If Jim hadn’t known better he’d have said it was sexual tension, but things just weren’t like that between them—regardless of what anybody else thought.

Jim did his best to stay on the good side of the doctor, even going so far as to stay on the ship during routine missions so as to not risk injury and, therefore, Bones’ wrath. Usually his efforts seemed to annoy Bones more than pacify him, but Jim had a trick up his sleeve. Bones’ birthday was coming up and Jim had ordered him a gift to end all gifts. He had done it before the debacle on Alcyone Beta and was never more grateful that he’d decided to splurge.

Two weeks later after loading up on supplies and picking up Bones’ gift, Jim was all but vibrating with excitement. He’d sworn Scotty and the transporter tech to secrecy when they had beamed it aboard. He locked the room so no one would stumble upon the surprise and went in search of his best friend.

Jim bounced a little on the balls of his feet as he entered the code to the room. He had tried to get Bones to wear a blindfold, but the good doctor had just looked at him. Bones could be damn creepy when he wanted to be. When the door slid open Jim stepped back and gestured Bones ahead of him. “Happy birthday, Bones!”

Bones rolled his eyes before stepping into the room. He halted inside the door and Jim caught himself on Bones’ shoulders to keep from running into him head first. “Jim, where did you get this?” 

“I had to have it specially made. They were kind enough to ship it to a starbase for pickup.” Jim couldn’t help but grin. As long as Jim had known him Bones had gone on about how he would kick Jim’s ass for once if there was a pool table around. Jim had listened to stories of the McCoy family holiday pool tournament with envy. 

Bones walked over to the table and ran his hands over the felt almost reverently; he made a noise when he realized the table was made of actual wood. “Jim, you shouldn’t have. This must have cost a fortune.” 

Jim shrugged. It had, but he knew it would be worth it. Bones’ reaction just then made it so. “The guy was actually really excited to build it. He had never done one before.”

Bones had walked the perimeter of the table and was standing across from Jim. “Thank you.” There was something in his tone that had Jim fidgeting and fighting down a blush.

“Just remember this next time you feel like putting me out my misery.”

With a laugh Bones asked, “Solids or stripes?”

“Stripes.”

It took a while for Jim to pick up the game. He had, of course, read up on it, and he figured it couldn’t be too difficult. Bones’ claims were indeed true and Jim lost the first three games. By the fourth game Jim had wised up and started doing calculations. Bones had gotten quieter with every game and Jim wasn’t sure why, so he did what he did best and kept up the jokes.

“If I win this game, Bones, you’re buying the first round of drinks on our next shore leave.”

Bones snorted. “If you win, I’ll buy all the rounds for the night.”

“Deal.”

Jim focused on making sure all his lineups were the most effective. He nudged Bones out of the way with his hip so he could get to the trickily placed number nine ball. He groaned when it also knocked in Bones’ number three ball. Jim watched as Bones’ hair started to lose shape and flopped down over his forehead, took in the stretch of Bones’ body as he angled himself just right to make a shot, stared at the way the pool stick slid experimentally through Bones’ fingers before darting forward. Bones played pool like he was performing surgery, with an intense concentration and precise movements. Jim was startled to realize he was enjoying the view in a less than friendly manner. So when Bones missed a shot he was quick to joke about rusty skills and line up his next shot. Jim bent over to take his shot and smirked when the orange striped number 13 ball dropped into the left side pocket.

“I hope you know I plan on buying top shelf on our next shore leave.”

When he didn’t get a derisive comment back Jim looked over his shoulder. Bones was looking at him in a way Jim had never seen before. It caused him to be still and stare back. Bones seemed to be looking for something, and it made Jim want to make a joke and lighten the mood. Out of nervousness he licked his lips and Bones’ eyes followed the movement. Before Jim knew it Bones had closed the space between them and was kissing him. It was a desperate press of lips, but it made Jim’s pulse leap and his body hum. Bones’ weight pushed him into the pool table; it was uncomfortable, but he didn’t fight it. Instead he wrapped his arms around Bones’ shoulders and pushed into the kiss. 

He had always enjoyed kissing, had thought it was the most amazing thing, until he had discovered sex. Now it was nice and comforting, mostly done to get to the sex part. Being kissed by his best friend, though, felt like nothing he had experienced before. Jim was greedy for more, but before he could do more than slide his tongue against Bones’, Bones was pulling away. Jim made a noise of protest. His eyes fluttered open to see why Bones had pulled away only to see his best friend pointedly not looking at him, his hand covering his mouth.

“I—uh—better go.”

“What? Wait—” Jim reached out to Bones, confused and wanting, but Bones just stepped back out of Jim’s reach. Bones was gone before the confusion had cleared. “What the hell was that about?” Jim asked the empty room.

Bones was avoiding him. He wasn’t even trying to be subtle about it, which just pissed Jim off more. Bones complained about gossip onboard, but his actions were causing a veritable shit storm. It wasn’t Jim who had initiated the kiss, so he had no idea why Bones was ignoring him. If Bones wanted to pretend the kiss never happened, then fine, Jim could do that. Who cared if in quiet moments he touched his lips and thought of how it felt to have them crushed against the softness of his best friend’s? He’d let Bones get over whatever his deal was and things would go back to the way they were before.

Two weeks later he was grabbing an apple when he heard the gossip. “She said the date went really well. No awkward moments trying to fish for a topic.”

He smiled, thinking it nice to hear that romance was alive and well. “Forget about dinner. I would have torn his clothes off and made him scream my name.”

“Me too. Guh, have you seen him when he’s working out? Those muscles are a work of art.”

“Let’s just hope that everything works out. There’s nothing worse than having to see your ex every day for the next four years.”

“Even if things didn’t work out, I can’t see McCoy being an ass about it.”

“The only person who makes the good doctor loose his mind is Kirk.” 

“I swear you can hear his tirades through all the decks. I wonder what he thinks about his husband dating his head nurse.” The other girl laughed. “I bet he’d just slap him on the back and tell him well done.”

Jim snatched his apple out of the replicator and then brushed past the lieutenants, noticing their cringes out of the corner of his eye. Suddenly he wasn’t hungry. He was quiet for the rest of shift and the bridge crew kept casting glances at him. Even his yeoman was cautious around him when handing him reports. When shift ended Jim dismissed Spock to go enjoy some quality time with Uhura. There was no sense in going down to Sickbay to see if Bones would have dinner with him now. Obviously Bones was just lonely and the kiss had meant nothing and Jim needed to get over whatever it was he was feeling before Bones noticed and never spoke to him again.

By month’s end they were the ship’s hottest couple. Jim had only hung out with Bones a handful of times, all them with Chapel present. He wasn’t sure why he was so annoyed by Christine’s presence. He had dragged whomever he was dating with him when meeting Bones for drinks back at the Academy and Bones had never said a word, so for Jim to suddenly get up in arms now that Bones was finally dating someone was more than hypocritical. Jim was pleased for his best friend—he really was. He wanted Bones to be happy. He was just feeling confused and hadn’t had a chance to talk to Bones about it and make sure everything was all right between them.

When Bones started making an appearance in Jim’s fantasies he stopped masturbating for a week. Jim threw himself into other activities in a vain attempt to return things to status quo. He had Uhura teach him Romulan, practiced his hand-to-hand with Lieutenant Cardoso, and even began writing a paper with Chekov. Jim was just too used to having most of Bones’ attention, and the loss of it was throwing him off. He just had to ride things out and everything would go back to normal.

The breaking point was when he caught Bones and Chapel fucking in the supply closet when he went to Sickbay to get something for his upset stomach. Chapel was gripping the railing of the shelf above her as Bones worked two fingers inside her. Jim wanted to walk away, but for some reason his feet stayed planted. Chapel was taking hiccupping breaths and mewled when Bones used his thumb to stroke her most sensitive spot.

“That’s it, come for me,” Bone drawled and then kissed her.

It was the sight of those lips sliding against another that had Jim shaking off his stupor and leaving. He told the nurse who had directed him to Bones that he couldn’t find him and he’d just go back to his quarters. A part of him hoped the nurse would go looking, or tell Bones he was there so he’d realize that Jim had seen them. 

When the next opportunity to go planet side on a mission came about he let Spock pick the landing party. When Spock handed him the PADD with the proposed members of the landing party Bones’ name was missing. Jim signed off on it without a word. It didn’t go unnoticed amongst the crew. Suddenly the ship was alive with gossip of a love triangle. Only the one being fought over wasn’t Bones, but Chapel. All Jim could do was laugh when he first heard it and be thankful that he had everyone fooled.

He couldn’t avoid his CMO forever, so when their next mission came up he put Bones on the list and to show there were no hard feelings he added Chapel, too. He saw Spock and Uhura exchange a glance and ignored it. He’d gotten very good at that. The diplomatic mission to Menkar was a last minute one. Originally the starship _Perseus_ had been sent to take care of negotiations, but a bad case of the flu had cut down half the crew, including the captain and first officer. Spock had calculated they should be done with renewing their trade agreements within 48 hours. Jim was anxious for some shore leave and a chance to unwind.

Menkar was beautiful in a stark way, not unlike a desert but decidedly less hot. The people, while a warrior culture, had little interest in using warp technology. Instead they had more interest in ensuring their planet was fortified and thriving. Jim had been surprised when they joined the Federation rather than allying with the Klingons.

They were four hours into talks and Jim was only half listening as he took notes, when a commotion outside had Spock cutting off his explanation of their water purification system. A Menkar guard came in escorting Bones and Chapel. The guard talked rapidly to the leader and then pushed both of them to their knees.

Jim shared a look with Spock before he said, “What seems to be the problem?”

The Menkar leader turned to Kirk. “Are you and the doctor not wedded?”

Kirk frowned. He hadn’t told anyone on this planet that they were married. “Yes,” he said, hoping that by doing so it would lessen whatever trouble they were in.

“Then your spouse and this female have committed adultery. According to our laws you have the right to execute them.” Jim was at a loss for words. How did one explain being married in name only? This was obviously a serious offense in this society. They couldn’t afford to offend the Menkarites. Why couldn’t Bones have kept his hands off Chapel? He was about to ask if they would allow him to take them back to the ship to punish them when Spock spoke up.

“I believe Ms. Chapel’s role has been misunderstood. The captain and the doctor are currently trying to have a child and Ms. Chapel is standing as a surrogate.”

“Yes,” Jim added eagerly. “I was aware of their activities as they relate to us achieving an heir.”

The Menkar leader was quiet before nodding sagely. “We understand now. She is for breeding purposes. Still, they cannot remain here. Such behavior cannot be seen as being accepted, even from outsiders.” 

Jim nodded gravely. Chapel looked a little appalled at being referred to as a brood mare, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. “Of course.” Turning to Bones and Chapel he said, “Return to the ship now,” his tone leaving little doubt just how angry he was.

By the time Jim beamed back aboard he was seething. Luckily they had managed to sooth the feathers that the incident had ruffled. He headed into the one of the conference rooms and paged Bones and Chapel. When they arrived it was with meek demeanors. He waited for them to take a seat.

“I don’t have to tell you how serious your breach in conduct was today. It almost cost you your _lives_. Not to mention you almost seriously jeopardized our mission. Needless to say, a formal reprimand will be put in your files.” He sighed, some of the anger diminishing. “Out of all my crew—excluding Spock and Uhura—I never thought I’d have to be having this conversation with you two. Where is the professionalism I’ve seen you both conduct yourselves with? I don’t think I have to tell you how disappointed I am in your behavior.” 

Both of their faces were contrite and Chapel look like she was going to burst into tears at any second. Waving a hand, Jim said, “Dismissed.” And because he was still angry he added, “I think it would be wise to thank Spock for his quick thinking.” That earned him two grimaces. 

Spock found him later down in engineering where Jim was tinkering with a panel. Scotty let him do minor stuff if he looked pathetic enough. It was mindless, tedious work, but after the day he’d had it was all he wanted. He could feel Spock’s gaze upon him and was feeling mean enough to pretend he didn’t know Spock was there.

“Jim.” 

He glanced up. He’d have laughed at the uncomfortable look on Spock’s face if he hadn’t been so tired. “Yes, Spock?” When Spock gracefully dropped down to sit beside him Jim frowned. “What are you doing?”

“Nyota suggested that you might benefit from having someone to talk to.”

Jim smirked. “Suggested? Why do I have a feeling that suggestion was wrapped in a healthy dose of command?”

“Perhaps the Lieutenant’s linguistic training lends a certain authority to her speech.”

“Could be,” Jim agreed easily. He tossed the tools aside. “I don’t suppose if I just told you I was fine you’d leave it at that?” “The very fact you are in engineering upgrading a panel would point to the lie in that response.” 

“It’s pathetic, really, why I’m angry. The Bones I knew would never have compromised himself professionally—especially not on an away mission. I feel like ever since that mission on Alcyone Beta we’ve become complete strangers. It wasn’t supposed to change anything.”

“I too found Dr. McCoy’s actions today out of character. I have also noticed that your time spent together has decreased, but had attributed it to his relationship with Nurse Chapel.”

Jim rubbed his eyes and debated how much to tell Spock. Finally, he decided to hell with it. Spock would keep his confidences and give him advice if possible. “Yes, his relationship with Christine I’m sure is part of the reason, but not the only one. We kissed.”

“Who initiated the kiss?” Spock, ever the scientist, was gathering all the facts.

“He did! Which is the part I don’t understand. Why kiss me if he was happy being friends? He didn’t say anything afterwards about how it was a mistake. He just avoided me and two weeks later started dating Chapel.” 

“I understand from Nyota that they had an understanding before your marriage on Alcyone Beta.”

Looking away, Jim answered, “He never said anything about it to me.” 

“Would you like your relationship to change?” 

That was the question. “I don’t know. All I know is that until that kiss Bones had never shown any interest in being anything more than friends. It had never occurred to me that we could be.”

“Are you certain about that, Jim?”

Jim thought hard about the question. He looked back to those nights at the Academy when sometimes he would have the uncontrollable urge to just touch Bones. The almost obsessive need he had for Bones’ attention. “Maybe it did. I would never have acted on it, though. Bones is the best thing to happen to me in a long time. He’s never expected me to change who I am, even when I know he disapproves. I could never risk losing him over something I’d probably just fuck up anyway. But it doesn’t matter now. He’s pretending nothing happened. If it didn’t matter, then why won’t he talk to me about it?”

“Has it occurred to you, Jim, that the doctor’s actions prove that he had some kind of emotional response to your kiss?”

“Yeah, one of revulsion.”

“When has Dr. McCoy ever been reticent about voicing his displeasure or opinion?”

Jim snorted. “Never. But if he was worried about hurting my feelings….”

“Perhaps it is his feelings he is trying to protect.”

That possibility had never occurred to Jim. “You know, Spock, I don’t think you get enough credit.”

“Then it is good that I am Vulcan and do not require praise for my actions.” 

“Of course not. Be sure to tell Uhura that when you get back tonight, just in case she gets any ideas.” 

“I did not say Vulcans did not believe in acknowledging a job well done; only that it is not necessary.”

Jim laughed until he couldn’t breathe. “It’s only logical.”

The idea, once in his head, refused to be quiet. Jim found himself replaying the kiss over and over, looking for new signs to confirm Spock’s theory. If Bones hadn’t thought the kiss was a big deal then he should be fine with their usual touches. When they were next together Jim touched Bones as he usually did, paying attention where he never had before. Bones tolerated Jim’s shoulder slaps but shrugged him off if he put an arm around his shoulders. He stiffened when Jim stood close but didn’t move away unless parts of their bodies touched. With his experiment in touching leaving him with more questions than answers, Jim began phase two.

He began to subtly flirt with other men. It wasn’t as difficult as he’d expected it would be. The targets he chose knew there was no meaning behind the quips and Jim was satisfied to see the pinched look that came over Bones’ face. He consulted Uhura about Bones’ body language. Jim would have felt like a teenager with his first crush if the outcome hadn’t been so important. He was ready to approach Bones with his thoughts when they got new orders.

The debacle that was Fornax would forever be categorized in his mind as the worst time of his life. They had been sent by Starfleet to the planet to deliver supplies and render medical aid to a colony that had requested help. What the people of Fornax had forgotten to mention was that the reason they needed the aid was because of the devastating plague that had ravaged their colony, killing off a third of their settlement and spreading fast to the rest of the population.

Jim, Spock, Bones, and security officers beamed down. They were greeted by an elderly man who seemed nervous and twitchy. Jim supposed he was just antsy to get the supplies. He stepped forward and introduced himself, waiting for the man to shake his hand. The man looked at it and then shakily reached out to take it.

“Jim, no!”

He turned around to see why Bones had shouted at him. Bones was striding past him up to the colonist and scanning him. “He’s infected with some kind of disease, Jim.”

“How could you tell?”

“He had a sore on his wrist and another under his collar.”

“What’s going here? Starfleet gave us no notification that Fornax was experiencing an outbreak.”

“We thought we could get it under control, but it’s too virulent. It’s killed off all our doctors.”

“What’s being done to contain it? Is there a team working on a cure or vaccine?” Bone asked.

“There is only one left, a biologist.”

Jim ran a hand over his face. He’d just exposed the whole away team to a lethal unknown disease. Pulling out his communicator, he contacted the ship. “Sulu, tell Scotty that we need to be beamed directly into isolation. We’ve just been exposed to an unknown pathogen.”

“Jim, we can’t just leave!”

“We can’t help them if we’re dead, too,” he snapped. Bones had his mulish expression on. The one that meant Jim was right but Bones didn’t want to admit it. Turning back to the alien who had greeted them, he assured him they’d still beam down the supplies and would contact him later.

Once in isolation things went from bad to worse. Bones was on the rampage, wanting to get out and start helping the people of Fornax. Once certain that they weren’t infected and were released, Jim was insistent that they wait for word from Starfleet. Bones was of the opinion that he and a team should beam back down and set up base camp and start working on controlling the outbreak. Ten minutes into their argument they were yelling at each other. Everyone fled for fear of being caught in the crosshairs. In the back of Jim’s mind he knew their yelling was about more than just their disagreement about protocol. When Bones called him a “spineless Starfleet lackey” Spock had to intervene before Jim hit his best friend. Realizing he’d gone too far, Bones started to apologize. Jim opened his mouth to tell Bones where he could shove it when Spock grabbed his shoulders and physically steered him out of Sickbay.

When orders from Starfleet gave the go-ahead to help Fornax with their epidemic Bones was already suited up with a team ready to go planet side. Jim left Spock to lay down the rules, as he didn’t trust himself enough not to flat-out order Bones to stay on the ship and wait for the Federation to send a team to deal with the outbreak.

As the hours passed into days Jim found his anxiety levels increasing with each all clear check-in Bones gave. Jim was a firm believer that you could only tempt fate so much before it bit back. A week later it looked like Bones and his team had almost managed to stop the spread of the disease. Spock and his team of twitchy scientists were busy trying to formulate a cure or vaccine. When a call came from Bones urgently requesting supplies, Jim was on the bridge to hear the request.

“We just sent down supplies the day before yesterday. Are you already out?” he asked.

“It seems when the virus first broke out some of the population went to more rural places. They’ve returned upon hearing Starfleet was here and working on the cure.”

Jim frowned. He’d really hoped they were about done with this mission. He had a bad feeling and wanted nothing more than to leave this planet behind. “All right, I’ll send more down.”

His worst fears were realized three days later when Bones reported in and said he was sure that he’d become infected. Jim wanted to yell at Bones about being reckless like the man did to him all the time. He demanded that Bones beam back aboard the ship into Sickbay, but Bones argued with him about regulations and safety. Jim didn’t care, but Spock was at his back telling Bones to check in every hour. Jim turned around and glared at Spock, ready to unleash all his worry and frustration, when he met Spock’s eyes. He pulled himself together and bade Bones farewell.

He left Spock in charge of the bridge and went down to medical to see if there was a possibility of beaming Bones back on board without infecting any of the crew. Dr. M’Benga looked frustrated with him, not understanding why McCoy couldn’t just stay planet side. Jim ultimately capitulated and started rigging one of the isolation rooms for the CMO’s arrival. When he was satisfied, he left Sickbay and headed to the bridge. He just had to convince Spock that bringing the doctor back on board was the most logical thing to do.

Jim didn’t have much luck. Spock stood fast in his opinion that McCoy was better off where he was. Jim was at the end of his patience and was seriously considering ordering Spock off the bridge. From Spock’s careful distance Jim guessed he wasn’t doing a very good job of hiding his feelings. The decision was taken out of their hands thirty-four hours later when Chapel hailed the ship to tell them that Leonard’s condition was critical. Glaring at Spock, daring the Vulcan to contradict him, Jim gave the order to have Bones beamed into medical.

He ran the whole way to Sickbay. When he barreled through the door it was chaos. People in medical contaminate suits were running into one of the isolation rooms. He could hear alarms blaring. It was strange to Jim to hear and see all this mayhem and not hear Bones barking orders above it all. He made his way into the observation room, the middle of the three isolation rooms. Nurses were busy running around grabbing hypos on Dr. D’Amato’s orders.

Christine came rushing into the observation room. “Do you know what’s going on?”

“No, I just got here myself.” Christine depressed the button to hear what was going on. There were shouts for medicine and oxygen levels and renal output. Christine put a hand over her mouth.

“What are they saying?” Jim asked impatiently.

“His kidneys are failing. The infection is causing a buildup of toxins that his body can’t process. It sounds like his body is going into toxic shock.”

“What’s that mean?” Jim demanded.

“His organs are shutting down one by one. He’s dying.”

D’Amato hit the intercom. “Captain, I need you to make a decision on Leonard’s treatment. We can treat for toxic shock and hope that we can stave off the further invasion of the disease or we treat for toxic shock and try what we have for a vaccine.”

“I don’t understand. I thought toxic shock was caused by a bacterial infection.”

“The disease is causing the cells to create a toxic byproduct. Captain, what’s your decision?”

Jim fisted his hair and about ready to scream. He looked at Chapel, but she was sobbing. He didn’t know what to do. These decisions were always made by Bones. Before Jim could make a decision Bones began to aspirate.

“Captain, Jim, you have to make a decision now!”

“I-I—” Spock grabbed Jim’s face so hard it hurt, forcing him to focus. Jim spared a second to wonder when he had appeared. That thought was quickly followed by the realization that Spock was _touching_ him. It startled him enough for him to become aware of the fact that he was breathing fast, feeling a little dizzy, and his chest hurt. The realization that he was having a panic attack was not pleasant.

“Jim, you must make a decision.” Spock’s voice was calm and firm, like they had all the time in the world.

“I can’t—you do it.”

“You can and you must.”

“Captain! I need an answer now!”

“Push what we have for a vaccine. The second one.” He felt weak at having making a decision that could possibly lead to Bones’ death. Spock led him over to a chair and he felt a smaller hand press down on his neck until his head was between his knees.

“You made the right choice,” Christine told him quietly. He prayed that she was right.

At 23:28 they operated to repair the damage to Bones’ organs.

Jim went straight to Sickbay as soon as he was off shift. Bones was still in a coma and Chapel was sitting at his bedside. Jim irrationally wanted to tell her to leave, that Bones was his and always would be. It was he who had dragged Bones back to campus those first weeks at the Academy. It was he who had been there to comfort Bones when he cried because he missed his daughter so much that it hurt to breathe. Bones was _his_ husband, not Chapel’s, no matter if they were fucking. But instead of saying any of that he just slipped out and went back to his quarters. She had to sleep eventually, and then he would come back.

It was after one in the morning when he returned; the chair by Bones’ bed was empty. Jim didn’t bother to turn on the PADD he’d brought with him. He stared at Bones’ sleeping, peaceful face and struggled not to reach out and touch him. He quickly turned on his PADD when her heard a nurse coming to check on Bones. He worried about what she’d think, but she just bustled about adjusting the controls on the bed and injecting Bones with a hypo.

“Don’t worry, Captain, he’ll be as good as new in a few days—he just needs to rest.” Jim nodded and gave her a tight smile. His late vigil continued for four nights. No one said anything about how he appeared shortly after Chapel left. Jim stopped holding back by the second night, taking Bones’ hand and daring any of the medical staff to stop him. Bones was _his_ husband and best friend. He was quietly reading Tellarite poems when Bones’ hand twitched in his. Jim jumped to feet.

“Bones,” he whispered urgently. Bones was slowly waking up and Jim curbed the urge to shake him to hurry him along.

The doctor stirred before slowly blinking his eyes open. “—im?”

“Yeah, it’s me. Do you want me to go get a nurse?”

“How lon’?”

“You’ve been in a coma for five days.” Bones grunted. “Do you want some water?”

He left without getting confirmation. He didn’t inform the doctor on duty that Bones was awake. Jim wanted a little time with him before someone called Chapel. He returned with some ice chips because that’s what Bones gave him after he’d been out for so long. It felt a little weird playing nursemaid when it’d always been Bones fussing over him. After fifteen minutes Bones was alert and demanding to see his chart.

“I don’t want to hear a word the next time I’m in medical. You’re way more difficult than I am.”

Bones gave him a dirty look. “Unlike you, I’ll stay put.”

The doctor’s demand for his chart was loud enough to bring Nurse Adams. “It’s good to see you’re awake, Doctor. Let me go get Doctor Martin.” She stopped at the door and said, “I’ll let Christine know you’re awake.”

“I’d better go.” Jim didn’t want to be around when Christine came and fawned all over Bones.

“Jim.”

“I’m glad you’re awake. I’ll see you later, Bones.”

He returned to work and signed off on a request Spock had typed up for command, asking them to send a team to take over the plague on Fornax. He thought almost losing his CMO was a good enough excuse to move on. Uhura gave Spock a significant look when the end of shift came. Jim knew what that look meant and made sure to be gone before Spock followed through. He changed into workout clothes and went for a run.

The talk was coming. Jim could feel it. They needed to clear the air. Jim decided to just brazen it out like he usually did. As he ran he thought about what he wanted, what he wanted from Bones and what he’d more than likely get.

On his next late-night visit Jim flat-out asked. “Why’d you kiss me, Bones?”

“Goddammit, Jim. I’m recovering from a plague.”

Jim nodded his head in agreement. “You almost died. So why did you?”

Bones looked everywhere but at Jim. “I don’t know.”

“I think you do.” The barest twinge of guilt surfaced at the fact that he was pushing his best friend when he was so physically vulnerable and therefore unable to run away, but they needed the clear the air or forever be stuck in this limbo.

“You’d just given me a gift and I just wanted to say thank you.” Bones was scowling and looking like he’d volunteer himself for any kind of painful medical experiment if it meant their conversation would stop.

“You’re not a spontaneous person, Bones. You don’t randomly kiss people. You’re honestly going to tell me you never thought about kissing me prior to that night?”

“What does it matter? It’s not like it meant anything.” He finally looked at Jim with that comment, like he was daring Jim to contradict him.

“If it meant nothing then why have you been avoiding me? What about dating Chapel? You were always bitching back at the Academy about the medical staff sleeping together because of the problems it caused.”

“We had a casual thing when at the academy. Most of the problems came from favoritism. I don’t play favorites and Christine doesn’t expect it.”

“So you’re not denying you’ve been avoiding me?”

“Just because you’re not the center of attention any more—”

Jim felt his temper rising. “It has nothing to do with that. It has everything to do with the fact that you changed everything and then ran away.”

“I don’t know what the big deal is. You’ve kissed plenty of your friends, and I know it’s not because I’m a guy. You kissed Mitchell at that party.”

“They’re not you! They weren’t my best friend.” Jim reined himself in. “Look, if the kiss didn’t mean anything to you, then fine. I’ll let it go. But if it did, then I want you to know that it meant something to me, too, and I wouldn’t mind seeing if we could have something more than friendship between us.”

“You’re not interested in men,” Bones stated flatly.

“I haven’t been before, but I’m interested in you.”

“Christ, Jim.” Bones was silent before looking at Jim with beseeching eyes. “It meant something, but it would be best to forget it.”

“Is it because of Chapel? Are you in love with her?”

“No, it’s not because of Christine.” Jim quelled the burning jealousy that named invoked. “It could never work between us.” “You don’t know that. What are you so afraid of? The fact that we might work?”

“Yes,” came the hissed reply. “You’re a starship captain first and foremost. I respect that, but it means having any kind of personal relationship with you would be impossible.”

“It wouldn’t be easy, I know—”

“And what happens to me, Jim, if and when your damn fool luck runs out?”

It was said with such desperation for understanding that the air left his lungs, leaving them desiccated and unable to inflate. He got it now. Yes, Bones was scared, but not in a way that Jim could fault him for. He was well aware of the feeling of being left behind and just how crippling it could be. Taking a moment to silently accept that this was way it had to be between them, he stood up, set the PADD he been reading from on the bed, and left.

He returned to the bridge after that. Everyone was subdued, possibly having picked up on his mood. He could feel Spock’s gaze, but didn’t meet it. He just wanted to sit in his captain’s chair and comfort himself with the delusion that he was doing the right thing by letting Bones go. Spock invited him to dinner after shift, but Jim begged off. He just wanted to go to the gym and run until he was too exhausted to think.

Jim was sitting at his desk in his room when his computer signaled an incoming transmission. Figuring it was probably Pike, he answered with, “Whatever you’re calling to yell at me about, I just want it known that Spock was right there doing it with me.”

“Probably because he knows no one else would be believable when explaining your predilection for doing stupid and dangerous stunts is inherent and not part of a plot for universal domination.”

Looking up, Jim smiled at his mother. “Mom, hi. I thought you were in the Gamma quadrant.”

“I am. We just stopped off to pick up supplies and I thought I’d give you a call. You haven’t written in a while.”

“Sorry about that.”

“I know you’re busy, Jim.”

“It’s not that—just received some bad news.”

“Not too horrible, I hope.”

He wanted to tell her, if only to hear that he was right and just needed to move on. Jim sighed and told her the whole story right up to his conversation with Bones in Sickbay. Winona was quiet as she looked at her son. Antsy, Jim asked, “It’s best that I just forget it ever happened, right?

“I think,” Winona said slowly, “that you should back off for now and give it some time.”

He gave his mother a look. “That’s it, that’s your sage advice?”

“Forgive me for not telling you what you want to hear. Jim, I know you’re brash by nature, so your first instinct is to confront. You did and you got an answer—it just wasn’t the one you were hoping for. Retreat and reassess.”

“You’re right. It just—I had hoped.” He felt foolish admitting it. He knew better than to get his hopes up.

Winona gave him a soft look, one he hadn’t seen in longer than he could remember. “There’s nothing wrong with hope, baby.”

It was hard, but Jim refrained from saying that it had never helped before. “All right, Mom. I’ve got to go finish these reports or Spock will sic Rand on me. She’s more than a little scary.” His mother looked like she wanted to say more but ultimately she just smiled and signed off.

Jim took his mother’s advice and gave Bones his space. He didn’t seem to believe that Jim really would let the issue drop and was tense most of the time. Jim hated that the most—that even now, with everything out in the open, their friendship was no closer to getting to back to what it used to be. He gritted his teeth and bore it.

Alpha shift was proving to be especially boring when Uhura spun her chair around. “Captain, we’re being hailed. Someone is requesting transporter access

.

Jim frowned. “I wasn’t notified of any passengers coming aboard.”

“I was, Captain. Shall we proceed down to the transporter room?”

More than a little irritated, Jim asked, “Why wasn’t I informed?”

“I believe you’ll understand once you see who is beaming aboard.”

Curious, he tamped down his irritation and followed Spock to the elevator. “This better be good.”

Spock didn’t respond, only gave him a look. Jim really wished he could make that supercilious look. Every time he tried Bones asked him if he was feeling all right, Uhura snickered, and Spock’s eyebrow just twitched.

“Permission to activate, sir.”

“Permission granted.”

Winona Kirk materialized on the pad and smiled. Stepping off the platform, she enveloped her shocked son in a hug. “Hi, Mom.”

She pulled back to get a look at Jim, then nodded as if confirming something. “Hello, Jim.”

He was more than a little thrown to see his mom. He wanted to ask what she was doing there. Recovering, he noticed Scotty grinning almost manically. “Mom, I want you to meet the most brilliant engineer in Starfleet.”

“Mr. Scott, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“And you, ma’am. I’ve always been a bit curious to meet the woman who spawned our fearless leader.

”

Winona snorted. “You mean your ‘I think my luck and charm will get me out of every situation, so who needs common sense’ captain?” 

Scotty laughed and Jim glared. “Now that you’ve met Scotty, why don’t I show you to your room?” He looked at Spock. “I arranged for the commander to stay in diplomatic suite three.”

“Thanks, Spock.”

“Trying to lock me away already? I wouldn’t bother if I were you. I’ll meet everyone anyway. I probably won’t even have to go looking for them, they’ll come to me.”

Jim thought so, too—not that he was going to tell her that. “Still, you must be tired.”

“A little,” she conceded.

He showed Winona to her quarters and told her he’d return to get her for dinner. He was eager for the crew to meet his mother. He felt a little like a four-year-old wanting to show their parent their treasure. He wanted to prove to her he had grown up to be more than that surly delinquent kid in Iowa at whom she was constantly shaking her head and saying, “Oh, Jimmy.” Jim laughed at a story his mom was telling the group that had gathered around their table. It was nice seeing her as an adult instead of a parental figure. He spotted McCoy and Chapel and waved them over. When they sat down Jim grabbed Winona’s attention. 

“Mom, this is Leonard and Christine, the ship’s CMO and head nurse.”

Winona smiled a familiar smile and shook hands. “I’m so glad to meet you, Leonard. I’ve heard a lot about you through the years.”

“I wouldn’t trust a word out of his mouth. He seems to think telling someone they have nice shoes is the best way to announce his intentions.”

“He would.” Winona shot her son a fond look.

“What was Jim like as kid?” Sulu asked.

“Yes, Winona, why don’t you tell us about Jim’s childhood?” Bones asked, all smiling innocence.

Jim stiffened. Winona just smiled and said, “Well, there was this period of time when Jim was five or six and he was convinced that he was an alien switched at birth. He was always taking his clothes off because he said that the fabric was stunting the manifestation of his true form. His words, no lie.”

Everyone laughed and Jim blushed. “Thanks, Mom.”

“What about when Jim was thirteen? I bet he was a real handful,” Bones said smoothly.

Winona grabbed her son’s thigh under the table to stop him from saying anything. “I was in space at that time.”

The other people at the table shifted uncomfortably, finally picking up on the undertone. Chapel rested a hand on Bones’ arm and Winona could feel Jim’s slight reaction to it. No one but McCoy and a handful of others knew Jim had been on Tarsus at thirteen, having been banished there after his car-over-the-cliff stunt. Jim had long ago set aside whatever feelings of resentment and anger he had towards his mother. She had admitted she had fucked up and had tried to be the best parent she could to him since—even if it was in some ways too late. It seemed Bones wasn’t willing to forgive or forget.

Jim had forgotten how cold Bones could get when he felt someone was a threat. To stop any further escalation, since Tarsus was a very touchy subject with Winona and she’d only be able to hold her peace for so long, Jim jumped in with, “Come on, Mom, Scotty said he wanted your opinions on a couple of pet projects.”

After his shift Jim went in search of his mother. She wasn’t in her room or his. Figuring she had gone down to engineering or was lurking in cartography, he decided to go see Bones. After checking unsuccessfully around Sickbay and Bones’ office, Jim gave up. As he was leaving he ran into Nurse Dormer.

“Are you looking for your mother, Captain?” 

One out of two was better than nothing. “Yes. She’s not hurt, is she?”

“Not as far as I can tell. She and Dr. McCoy are in isolation room 2.”

“Thank you.”

He was just about to enter when he spotted them through the observation window. Bones was frowning and Winona’s expression was earnest. Jim’s heart started pounding in his chest. His mother hadn’t said anything about being sick, but what if the reason she had come was because she was dying? Without thinking about the consequences he activated the communication panel. 

“You think I don’t know that my son will never believe I love him and care about what happens to him? That I’m not aware of the fact that he jumps from bed to bed because he thinks it’s better to be the one who leaves than the one who’s left? That I don’t know Jim sees love as something that destroys, not as something that makes one whole? I assure you, doctor, I am well aware of how I fucked up my son.”

Jim realized he was shaking. His mother was right. He’d never for one moment thought she cared about him since she had shipped him off to Tarsus. She could hardly look at him after he came back. He knew she loved him, never doubted it; just knew that it wasn’t enough to make him matter.

The fact that she was aware of his sexual habits made him a little sick. More than that, though, it was the way her breath hitched on a sob when she said she was aware of how she’d fucked him up. There was a part of him that still wanted to comfort her and tell her he was fine and everything would be all right. It wasn’t then, and while he was pretty sure it wasn’t now either, it was a far sight better than it had been when he first started saying it. Jim was surprised out of his angsting by the sound of Bones’ voice.

“What, you want a treat because you know you were a shit parent?”

Jim physically reeled back. Bones was grouchy by nature, and yeah, more than a little protective of Jim, but Bones sounded sarcastic and hateful. Jim was getting ready to make his presence known when Winona spoke. He subsided, not feeling an ounce of guilt for eavesdropping.

“No. I know you don’t like me. I don’t expect that to change. I said it because I wanted you to know that I’m aware. Mostly I said it because I wanted you to understand that I made those decisions myself. Losing my husband didn’t make me into a bad parent. I did that all on my own.”

She moved back to lean against the biobed again. “I knew the minute Jim first wrote to me about you that you’d be different from all the rest. Not only because you were the first person he’d talked about in _years,_ but because of how he talks about you.”

“And how does Jim talk about me?” Jim wanted to know that answer, too.

“Like he can’t quite believe his luck. Jim didn’t understand his feelings before, but I did.”

“Why are you telling me this?” 

“Because I can’t turn back in time and give Jim his childhood back, but I can try my best to give him what he needs now. Loving and losing George Kirk didn’t make me a neglectful parent and selfish person—I did. I chose to take my grief and wallow in it to the exclusion of everyone else.”

“I’m still—”

“I know what you’re afraid of,” she said, cutting him off. “I don’t blame you. Losing the person you love is hard. But I can’t imagine my life without George. Even knowing I would lose him, I wouldn’t change anything.”

Jim looked at Bones and saw the war on his face. “It’s not the same. Your husband would still be here if it wasn’t for some freak anomaly.”

“How do you know?” Winona shot back. “He could have died on a mission, gotten sick or died in shuttle accident. There are no guarantees in life.”

“Yeah, well, that no guarantee becomes a guarantee when you’re dealing with a reckless, no sense of self-preservation martyr like Jim.”

“Then give him something to come home to. You’ve never thought that his behavior was in part due to his belief that it didn’t matter what happened to him because who would mourn his loss? Tell me, how much more reckless is he now than when you met him?”

“He’s not, because I—”

“Exactly! You made him accountable. He had someone who he couldn’t leave behind.”

“He still does stupidly dangerous stunts!”

“Honey, that’s a Kirk for you.”

Bones deflated. “What about me, Winona? What happens when Jim doesn’t manage to pull off one of those stunts? I’d be left alone to pick up the pieces of my life for a second time. I can’t do that again.”

Any hope that Jim had been secretly clinging to died.

“You think CMOs don’t die? You’re dealing with deadly diseases all the time. What happened on Fornax proves it. In many ways, your lifestyle is much more dangerous than Jim’s.” When Bones didn’t say anything she pushed on. “It comes down to one simple thing: is having and loving Jim worth the potential loss?”

Winona moved to touch Bones’ shoulder. “I’m telling you from experience, Leonard, being loved by a Kirk is like nothing else you’ll ever feel. They love with their whole selves—completely and irrevocably. It can become addicting being the center of someone’s focus like that, harder still when it’s taken away. In the end, though, it’s your choice how you choose to deal with loss.”

Jim didn’t wait to hear Bones’ answer. He just turned and quietly went back the way he’d come. While he was a little mortified that his mom was pleading his case to Bones, he also felt a sense a peace he hadn’t before. She did care about him, enough to drop everything to come to him and try and get the guy he loved to give him a chance. While it didn’t erase what happened before, it went a long way to healing something inside him.

When his mom showed up in the mess he gave her a kiss on the cheek. “What was that for?” she asked.

“For being my mother.”

“In that case—” She presented her other cheek and he kissed it obligingly.

The rest of his mother’s stay was spent hanging out watching movies, thinking of new ways to win the bet of who could make Spock say “fascinating” more, and working on projects in engineering. By the end of it Jim was genuinely sad to see his mother go. She hadn’t let him dwell on Bones and by the end of her visit he was feeling significantly more chipper. It was with an air of regret that he walked his mother to the transporter room. 

“We’ll see each other soon. I believe we’re going to be in the same quadrant in six months,” Winona told him.

“Good, then I’ll be able to win back those credits.”

Winona shook her head. “Someone really needs to teach you the meaning of poker face.” Turning to Spock, she gave him the Ta’al. “Thank you for making sure he hasn’t killed himself doing something idiotic. I know he doesn’t make it an easy job.”

Spock returned the Ta’al and said, completely stone-faced, “It is my greatest endeavor.”

She climbed onto the pad and turned around. “Have faith, Jim. Nothing says things can’t change.”

Jim smiled and waved, watching as his mother disappeared in a column of light. When he turned around both Scotty and Spock had an air of disappointment about them. “Good to know that at least one Kirk is able to elicit something besides relieved sighs when leaving.”

Scotty sighed. “That’s a fine woman there. Brains and beauty.”

Jim scowled at his chief engineer. “No fantasizing about my mother.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it, sir.”

Jim gave Spock the eye. No way would Spock even consider it. “Come, Spock, let’s go see what Admiral Carter wants. I bet your next issue of Science Quarterly he’s going to tell us we’re not looking hard enough for dilithium deposits.”

“It is pointless to bet when the outcome is assured.”

“Spoilsport.”

Jim made a resolution to not mope about Bones. It wasn’t the end of the world, and eventually things would go back to status quo between them. He was still a little annoyed with Bones at how he’d treated Jim’s mother during her visit, but he figured she’d said her piece in Sickbay. With his mind made up, he went to see if maybe Bones wanted to play a game of pool later. He promised himself that he wouldn’t even be bothered if Christine came along.

After a couple of weeks things did get better. Bones started to spend more time with him, sometimes even without Christine. Bones had shot him suspicious looks in the beginning, like he couldn’t believe Jim had let it go and taken him at his word. Normally Bones would be right, Jim was by nature a tenacious being, but he figured his mother wouldn’t steer him wrong. So when Bones would look at him with suspicious eyes, Jim would just laugh and tease until Bones relaxed, and he continued to pretend he didn’t see the contemplative looks Bones would throw him.

It was in a good mood that Jim ordered shore leave on star base X495. He was actually looking forward to trying to find some company. When he told Spock as much, he did the Vulcan equivalent of agreeing that Jim needed to get laid. At least Jim chose to interpret Spock’s words as, “I’m sure the population of X495 eagerly await the pleasure of your company.”

When Jim got to the restaurant where he was supposed to meet Spock and Uhura he was already ten minutes late. He spotted Spock right away. “So sorry, guys. Scotty called and I lost track of time.”

It was only after he had sat down that he realized that Bones and Chapel were also at the table. Uhura touched his leg under the table in apology and said, “We haven’t ordered yet.”

He smiled at Bones and Chapel in greeting and picked up the menu. His mood was deflated now. How was he supposed to get over Bones if he constantly had to be around him? Although maybe being around him and Chapel would help to show him that it was for the best. He’d get past this; it would just take time—like his mom said. He missed his best friend, though. Jim couldn’t wait until thing went back to the way they had been.

Uhura, Bones, and Chapel were talking about music while Jim and Spock talked about what Scotty had called him about when the server came over and set a drink down in front of Jim. “I didn’t order this.”

The server pointed to a guy at the bar and said, “He did.”

It wasn’t like people hadn’t bought him drinks before; quite a few them had been by guys, too. However, this time it felt different. Before he could do anything Spock took the drink and started scanning it. Jim smiled indulgently at his first officer. He was lucky to have such a friend—even if Spock was now convinced that Jim needed a handler.

“Why are you scanning his drink? I wasn’t aware this planet had that kind of reputation,” Chapel said.

“It does not, as far I am aware. I am merely taking precautions based on a previous experience with the Captain.”

Bones frowned. “What previous experience?” he asked.

Jim tried to give Spock the universal look of “shut the hell up” but it must have gotten lost in translation because Spock went right ahead and answered.

“When we were re-supplying on Lexioren the Captain imbibed a drink laced with a sedative.”

Bones’ voice went distinctly southern, and everyone who knew him knew it was the “I’m one step away from tranqing a bitch” tone. “Why am I just now hearing about this? Would it not be something that you should have visited Sickbay for?”

“It had already passed out of my system by the time we beamed back aboard,” Jim asserted. 

Jim just knew Spock was going to answer him and contemplated kicking him. Even Uhura was giving Spock the significant look. Chapel just shifted in her seat and took a sip of her drink.

“The Captain did go to Sickbay. I escorted him myself.”

“Then why was I never informed of this incident?” Bones demanded tightly.

Never having been one to not own up to his actions, Jim replied, “Because I asked Dr. M’Benga not to.”

“Was there a reason why you didn’t want your CMO to know?”

“I didn’t want anyone to know.” He knew the instant the words were out of his mouth that he had said exactly the wrong thing. Bones wasn’t just anyone. He was Jim’s best friend and his doctor.

Jim had asked M’Benga not to say anything during a time when he wanted to punish Bones. To cut him out of his life, like Bones seemed to have done to him. He didn’t want to dwell on it. He had come to no harm, and it saved him a lecture from Bones on how he needed to be more careful.

Bones’ jaw was clenched and he looked like he badly wanted to start yelling. Jim stood up. “I’m just going thank the nice gentleman for my drink.”

The man could see him approaching and didn’t bother to pretend he hadn’t noticed. He waited until Jim had reached him before introducing himself. “Riley.”

Jim shook the offered hand. “Jim. Look, I have to be honest. I only came over here to escape my companions.”

Riley shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal. “I noticed things getting a little tense. I thought the guy was going to lose it.”

Jim shrugged. “No one likes feeling out of the loop.” Riley was nice looking. Dark eyes and hair, pale skin; there was an impish charm about him that Jim couldn’t help but smile at.

“That right there is why I bought you that drink. It made me hope that just maybe I had a chance.”

“My smile?” Jim asked, amused.

Riley ducked his head. “It’s beautiful.”

It took a lot to fluster Jim, so he was a little surprised when he felt himself blush. “Thank you.”

He was about to ask Riley about himself when his communicator went off. Flipping it open, he responded. “Kirk.”

“Captain, I’m going to have to take the computers offline in order to do the upgrades. It’s probably best if either you or Commander Spock was on board just in case.”

“All right, Scotty, I’ll beam back. Kirk out.”

Riley raised his eyebrow. “Captain? Gorgeous and successful. It’s probably a good thing you’re not interested. I’ve heard how captains are about their ships.” Riley leaned forward conspiratorially. “Be honest, now, do you anthropomorphize yours?”

Jim laughed. “She’s the only one who understands me. I have to go, but it was nice meeting you, Riley.”

“You’ll probably be busy, but if not, I’m staying at the Aurora Gardens Hotel, room 318.”

Jim nodded and went back to the table. Bones still looked furious. Jim threw enough credits down to cover his share. “I have to go. I’ll see you all later.”

Chapel and Uhura gave him surprised looks. It took him a second to get what they must be thinking. “Scotty called. They’re taking the computers offline to do the updates. I have to return.” 

“Captain, if you wish I can return with you.”

Jim waved him off. “No, no. Stay and enjoy your free time. You’ll finally be able to relax. I can’t get into much trouble on the ship,” he teased.

“Your proclivity for finding trouble in the most innocuous of places is only surpassed by your need to disregard regulations.”

“What if I said I just going to catch up on paperwork?”

“I would say I would believe when I saw it.”

“If you keep it up, Spock, I’m going to start thinking you actually do have a sense of humor.” Turning to Chapel, he told her to enjoy the rest of her leave. He didn’t look at Bones. Jim was positive he’d be getting an earful when they were all back on board.

He was reading a book in his ready room when someone buzzed for entrance. “Enter.” 

Bones stalked in, frowning. “We need to talk.”

Jim tilted his PADD down. “About what?”

“You keeping pertinent information from your CMO.”

“It would only have been pertinent if there had been something wrong with me. There wasn’t. By the time M’Benga looked me over I had already metabolized whatever I was given.” Bones had his stubborn face on and Jim knew he wasn’t getting out of this without a few scratches.

“He doesn’t know your allergies like I do. What if you had had a bad reaction—”

“Then he would have taken care of it. You hand-picked him to be part of your medical staff; are you telling me he’s not a skilled physician?”

“Of course not. I’m the CMO, though; I should be informed when there is a problem with the Captain.”

Jim sighed. “This isn’t about me keeping you updated on any health concerns, and you know it.” Bones just glared at him and Jim knew he was right. “I’m not proud that I shut you out because I was jealous, but you have to believe me when I say that if it had been serious, I would have told you.”

“So you admit you did it to punish me.”

Not liking his tone, Jim narrowed his eyes. “Can you blame me? My best friend kissed me then ignored me, and then to top it off, started up with someone after swearing for years he was done with relationships.”

“Am I not allowed to move on? You can’t be the center of my world forever, Jim.”

“And you call me an asshole. It’s not that you started dating again; it’s the fact that you didn’t tell me anything. I’m your best friend, right, so I should know when you have feelings serious enough to act on.”

“The thing with me and Christine getting serious just happened. I wasn’t purposely keeping anything from you.” “You can’t have it both ways, Bones.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You can’t have Chapel and me.”

“I’m not trying to!”

“I don’t think you realize that you are. You want things not to change between us, fine, but for me they’ve already changed. I don’t want to watch you and Chapel play happy couple.”

“You’re asking me to choose between you?” Bones asked incredulously.

“No. I’m just saying that you can’t expect us to be as close right now as we were.”

“How could we be when you’re always off with Spock?”

Jim couldn’t help the look he gave Bones, he really couldn’t. “You’re welcome to join us at any time. We’re not excluding you.” Jim refused to feel guilty about his closeness to Spock. It was hard-won.

The muscle on Bones’ jaw was ticking and Jim could tell he wanted to rant and rave at him but didn’t have a good enough excuse. Jim sighed and was going to make a peace offering when his comm unit signaled.

“Kirk.”

“Hi, Captain. There’s a package waiting for you.”

“Who’s it from?”

“A Riley Hepworth.” 

It took a moment to put two and two together. “Have it delivered to my office, please.”

“Who’s Riley Hepworth?”

“That guy from the restaurant.”

“What does he want?” Bones growled.

“I don’t know. We’ll just have to wait and see.” Jim was curious himself.

He thanked the ensign who delivered the package and brought it over to his desk. He opened the package and peeked inside. The bark of laughter was completely involuntary. Pulling the stuffed spaceship out, he read the attached card.

_If you treat it nicely, it talks back. –Riley_

“What the hell is that?”

“A stuffed starship—the _Enterprise_ , if I’m not mistaken.”

“Why on Earth would the man have given you a child’s toy?”

“An inside joke.”

“Just met the man today, how many inside jokes can you have?” Bones growled.

“Obviously long enough to have one.”

“I thought you said you weren’t attracted to men.”

“For fuck’s sake, Bones. I’m not going to sleep with the guy. And if I was, it would be none of your business. You told me you didn’t want to be with me.”

“I didn’t say I didn’t want to be with you, Jim.”

“No, you just told me you were too much of a coward to take a chance at happiness on the off chance I might die and leave you alone.”

Bones shoved him and Jim staggered back, bumping against his desk. Reaching behind him, he braced himself. “What is your problem?”

“You—”

Jim was cut off by the hard press of Bones’ lips against his. Just like the first time, Jim was caught off guard and didn’t immediately respond. When Bones went to pull away Jim made a noise in the back of throat and gripped Bones’ shirt and pulled him back. Jim wasn’t going to make it easy to run away again. When they finally pulled away to take gasping breaths he moved his hands down to Bones’ hips.

“Not that I’m complaining, but if you think that I’m going to drop what we—”

And there went Bones’ lips, pressing back to his. If that was the way Bones wanted to play it then fine, Jim was game. He dropped his hands down until they were gripping Bones’ ass and rubbed his erection against him. When Bones’ mouth opened on a gasp Jim took advantage and swept his tongue inside. It was strange feeling a man’s stubble, not to mention cock, against him, but knowing it was his best friend took the edge off his instinct to flee.

He tipped his head back to try and catch his breath. “Wait. We have to talk about this.” Bones made a displeased noise and tried to catch Jim’s mouth again. “Bones, please. I couldn’t take it if you went back to ignoring me because of this.”

Bones tipped their heads together. “I wouldn’t, I won’t,” he promised.

Jim wanted to believe that, he really did. It wasn’t worth the risk, though. Pressing one last kiss to Bones’ lips, he pulled away. “Take some time and think about it. You’re worked up and feeling threatened.” Bones looked like he going to argue so Jim pressed on. “Christine deserves better. We’re better than that.”

Heaving a sigh, Bones ran his hands through his hair. “You’re right. I’ll see you later.”

Jim spent all of ten seconds regretting his decision and then pushed the regret aside. He picked up his PADD again and was trying to find his place when he remembered his gift from Riley. Leaning forward to pick up the stuffed ship, he considered calling Riley and then dismissed the urge. It was best to let sleeping dogs lie.

He wasn’t expecting Bones to break up with Chapel, but that’s what happened. The news spread like wildfire. The rumor mill said it was because McCoy thought his technique was slipping and blamed his head nurse. Another one had it that it was because Chapel had been caught in flagrante delicto with Scotty. Jim wasn’t getting his hopes up. He was just happy the rumor wasn’t naming him as a third party.

Jim had just turned off the lights to go to sleep when his door signaled someone’s wish to enter. He debated ignoring it, but before he could make up his mind the door swished open. He lifted up on his elbows and squinted into the dark.

“Bones?”

A thump and a curse later, a voice said, “Since when do you go to bed at a reasonable hour?”

“Since I haven’t been able to sleep.” He refrained from saying the rest of that sentence.

“Dammit, Jim, turn on the lights.” 

He did as asked, not able to see Bones with the partition in the way. “Better?”

Bones came around the partition and stopped. Jim raised an eyebrow at him. “You weren’t at dinner.”

Jim thumped back against his pillow. “I was tired. I’ve spent the most of the day arguing with Starfleet command about how we do need to go to a star base to repair our hydraulics system instead of continuing with Scotty’s haphazard repair.”

Bones went over and sat on the edge of the bed. “I thought we were going to talk.”

“We are, we will. I just—what are you doing, Bones?”

“What do you mean? I did what you wanted.”

“So you made your decision about who you wanted to be with? Or did you break up with Christine because you thought it was what I wanted?”

Heaving a long sigh, Bones replied, “Isn’t it the same thing?"

“Not to me.”

Jim knew he could only push so far with Bones before the man dug his heels in for the simple fact that he hated being told what to do. He’s pointed out the irony of joining Starfleet to his best friend more than once.

“You were right. The kiss shook me. But I didn’t just start dating Christine because of it. We dated causally off and on back at the Academy. The timing was never right for us to make it a serious thing.”

Before Jim could get angry about not being told about their long standing relationship, Bones cuts him off.

“Don’t give me that look, Jim. I _did_ tell you I was seeing someone. You just never bothered to ask who.”

Trying hard to think back on those few conversations, he realized Bones was right. He had teased the older man about having a lover and pestered him for details, but he had never actually asked who she was. He had always assumed it was someone he had been introduced to at the hospital or even one of his professors.

“Then why kiss me?” Jim was suddenly so frustrated he could scream. “If you and Chapel had such a great thing going, why fuck with our friendship?”

Bones turned abruptly. “Remember who kissed me back, Jim. Remember who grabbed me and rubbed himself against me.”

Jim was _not_ blushing. “Fine. What do you want to talk about?”

“You asked me to figure out what I wanted. I did. I want to give us a chance and see where it goes.”

Jim smirked. “I’m not sure how far you think we’ll go. We’re already married.”

“It hasn’t been consummated; I can still get an annulment from your sorry ass.”

Bringing his hand up, Jim cupped Bones’ cheek. “I’m serious about trying to make this work, Bones. This isn’t a whim or me wanting to get laid.”

“I know.”

When Bones shifted closer to him Jim was suddenly aware of his shirtless state and the feeling of Bones warm next to him. “Bones.”

The press of lips against his own had Jim inhaling and closing his eyes. It still amazed him how deeply he felt Bones’ kisses. Bones’ hand came up to grip his shoulder and he leaned into the touch. Bones made a noise and pushed Jim back down onto the mattress.

“Oh,” Jim said stupidly. The weight of Bones on top of him was both startling and perfect at the same time. When Bones went to pull off him, Jim wrapped his arms around Bones’ shoulders and tugged him back down. “No, you’re fine.”

They went back to kissing and exploring. Jim had to tug Bones’ hair to get him to let up so he could breathe. At Bones’ moan Jim stilled. He experimentally tugged again and got a sharp inhalation. Smirking, he slid his hands up underneath Bones’ uniform shirts and raked his nails down Bones’ back and bit at his neck. When he got a buck and curse Jim knew he had discovered gold. Bones lifted up and pulled his shirts off. Running his hands down Bones’ chest, Jim became inspired and propped himself up and bit, then sucked a mark into the top left pectoral

.

“When did you become a biter?” Bones panted.

“When I realized it turned you on.”

It didn’t take long for clothes to get lost and they were rubbing against each other. If Jim had stopped to think about it he probably would have mildly freaked out. His dick was rubbing against another man’s—even if it was Bones’.

“Is this okay?” Bones asked as he ground down.

“Yeah.”

It wasn’t enough and Jim blushed as he spread his legs and brought his knees up to bracket Bones’ hips. Bones shifted to allow him to situate himself and was quick to cover him again. The new angle had their bodies pressed just right to rub off against each other. Jim felt Bones start to perspire as he continued to rub off against him while nibbling his neck. The familiar rush of impending orgasm washed over him and he clutched Bones harder and moaned.

“Are you going to come for me, Jim?”

The silky words had Jim clenching with arousal. That man could have the moon and the stars with that voice. When Bones ran a hand up his leg, caressing his thigh, before moving up and around his hip to grip him he couldn’t have held back if he’d tried. Arching his body, Jim came soundlessly.

“So good,” Bones whispered, his hips not losing their rhythm.

Jim was glad that he’d had a chance to see this. Bones’ head was bowed, his bangs falling into his eyes, which were closed. He decided to help Bones along and squeezed his legs tighter, his fingers coming up to flex in Bones’ hair. Jim watched as Bones’ mouth fell open and his body stuttered before he jerked and came with a deep indrawn breath

.

Not knowing what to expect, Jim waited for Bones to gather himself. He half expected Bones to have another freak-out and run. Instead Bones made a face and went into the bathroom, returning with a cloth which he handed to Jim.

“Thanks.”

When he returned from the bathroom he saw Bones sitting on the edge of his bed, his pants back on. Putting his boxers back on, Jim crawled back into bed. Bones swiveled to look at him.

"Are we going to talk about this, Jim?”

He shrugged. “What do you want to talk about? You told me you wanted to give us a chance and we had sex.”

“Then why won’t you look at me? Did you not like what we did?”

Wanting to allay Bones’ worry, Jim reached out. “I did. I was just waiting to see what you were going to do.”

Bones huffed. “You were expecting me to run. I guess I shouldn’t blame you, but I told you I was serious.”

Jim waved his hand. “I know.”

Bones’ look told him he would like to argue Jim’s assurance. “I better get going. I have alpha shift tomorrow.”

“All right.” Jim really hadn’t expected Bones to spend the night.

Upon reaching the partition, Bones turned back. “Hey, Jim, don’t make any plans for dinner tomorrow night.”

Jim smiled. “Sure thing, Bones.”

That night Jim slept until his alarm went off the next morning.

Taking a deep breath, he hit the button letting Bones know someone was requesting entrance to his quarters. The doctor had sent him a message saying to meet him in his room for dinner. When the door opened Jim walked in, fully expecting to kiss the breath from Bones’ lungs and possibly have a repeat of last night. He was brought up short by Scotty’s greeting.

“Excellent. We can start now.”

Scotty started dealing the cards and Bones pushed out the chair next to him. Sitting down, Jim shot Bones a look. Bones silently communicated back his apology.

“What are we playing?”

“The greatest game in the world, of course.”

When Jim raised his eyebrow in inquiry Scotty grinned and said, “Poker.”

Humming noncommittally, Jim took the seat next to Bones. He wasn’t happy, but he knew showing it would be unfair. Bones pressed his thigh to Jim’s in apology when he sat down. Jim smiled to show him it was okay. By the second hand he was laughing and enjoying himself. Bones kept his leg against Jim and it was distracting. Especially when Bones hooked his ankle through Jim’s, causing Jim to jolt.

Jim figured that Bones deserved a little payback. He sat out the next round and leaned back in his chair and crossed his legs, his right thigh coming to rest on Bones’ lap. Jim felt him stiffen and then relax when Jim didn’t make any other moves. When he thought enough time had passed and Bones had relaxed he put a hand on his knee, his fingers brushing Bones’ thigh. They played three more hands and all throughout it he and Bones teased each other.

When the last person had left Bones attacked him. “You ready to make good on your teasin’, Jim?”

“I’ve never been one to not pay my debts, but I’m not the only who has been using credit.”

Bones pulled him roughly into him and pressed their lips together. Jim clutched at Bones and gave as good was he was getting. Their breaths mingled as they pulled back. The deep wanting Jim was feeling wasn’t new, but the uncertainty was. With a woman—with anyone else—he would know what to do. Bones had never been predictable, despite what many thought. When he made no move to resume their kissing, Bones pulled back to look at him.

“You okay, Jim?”

“Yeah, I just—”

Frowning, Bones said, “If we’re moving too fast, just tell me. You have nothing to prove to me.”

Nodding his head in understanding, Jim yanked Bones back to him and resumed kissing him. They kissed until both their lips were numb and their bodies were languid. Jim followed when Bones tugged him towards him his room, leaning against him as he was undressed and sighing when he was tucked under the covers. The night had not gone as planned; he couldn’t complain, though.

They took things slowly, their dates usually ending with kisses and/or hand jobs. Jim started gaining confidence in being with a man and being with Bones. The first time he dropped to his knees it was with a sexual excitement and the strongest desire to please his partner Jim had ever experienced. Afterwards Bones held him close and whispered everything he’d never known he was longing to hear as he stroked Jim to orgasm.

Making his way back to his room, Jim fought the exhaustion that was weighing him down. They had run into a caravan of pirates. The ensuing fight had lasted an hour and done a fair amount of damage. He had only just finished touring the ship and overseeing the repairs. All he wanted to do was sleep for twelve hours straight. Entering his room, Jim toed off his boots and staggered towards his bed. He was brought up short by the sight on his bed. Bones had obviously tried to wait up for him. The lights were on and he was still dressed. Bones was clutching at his pillow. Smiling, Jim moved forward into the room.

He had meant to wake Bones up so he could undress and get under the covers. Instead he took Bones’ boots off himself. There was no way he would be able to undress Bones without his help so he just tugged the covers down and hushed Bones when he grumbled, tucking him in. After a quick wash-up he crawled under the covers. He scooted close to Bones, wanting to feel the heat of his body. He reached out and put a hand on Bones’ arm, ordering the lights off. Feeling something settle in him, Jim closed his eyes only to have them pop back open a few moments later.

 _Oh_ , he thinks. He knew this feeling. This feeling of contentment and terror rolled into one. He had only experienced it once before in his life. It had ended so horrifically that it eclipsed all the joy of having felt the feeling in the first place. He shouldn’t be surprised. He knew with every kiss, smile, touch that he was falling deeper, wanting more, leading to only one possible outcome. While the _Kobayashi Maru_ may have had people thinking he didn’t believe in no-win scenarios, he did. He just didn’t believe in not trying. In this instance, however, he made peace with the fact that just like in the fabricated sim, his loving Bones was inevitable and cheating just wasn’t an option to him.

He eventually did fall asleep, only to be awakened by the feeling of warms hands running up his back and a voice in his ear telling him to wake up.

“What time is it?”

“0500.”

Jim reached out and swatted the air. “Go back to sleep. Too early.”

Bones shifted and moved to cover Jim. “If you wake up I promise to make it worth it.” He emphasized his point by grinding his erection into the small of Jim’s back.

Jim picked up his head. “And I have the reputation,” he muttered.

“One you’re failing to live up to at the moment.” 

Not one to take shots lying down, Jim flipped over and overtook Bones. “You dare impugn my honor?” He swooped down and took Bones’ lips in a hard kiss.

Bones returned the kiss, wrapping himself around Jim and sneakily flipping them again. Leaning up, he ghosted his hands down Jim’s chest. Jim relaxed back, seeing the nervous expression on Bones’ face, and waited.

“I want to try something. You can say no at any time and I’ll stop, no questions asked.”

“Hey, Bones, I’m sure I’ll like it.” 

Instead of answering, Bones kissed him again. Bones pulled back and reached for the bedside table, rifling through the contents. Jim took his foot and ran it down Bones’ side. Bones turned back around and playful snapped his teeth. Laughing, Jim tugged him back down.

“What do we have here?”

Bones set the tube of lubricant down and bent to bite Jim’s neck, distracting him from what he’d grabbed. “Close your eyes.”

Jim protested, “I want to see you.”

“Just close your eyes.”

Jim dutifully closed his eyes. Hands rubbed down his chest and then grabbed his hips, pulling him down further on the bed, before pushing his thighs wide apart. His breath hitched at the possibilities the position suggested. Bones pressed kisses to Jim’s splayed thighs before nibbling up to where thigh and hip meet.

“Bones,” Jim moaned.

“Are your eyes still closed, Jim?”

“Yes,” he hissed, arching to try and get friction.

“Good,” Bones said before engulfing Jim’s cock.

“Shit!” Jim jerked his hips up and accidently choked Bones. “Sorry, sorry.” He petted Bones’ hair in apology. Bones pulled off and coughed. Glaring at Jim, he threw an arm across his hips. “Do that again and I’ll tie you down.” Jim’s cock twitched at the idea and Bones laughed. “Of course you’d like it.”

Jim moved his hands down, blindly searching for Bones’ head. “You know what else I’d like, if we could return to previous activities?”

Issuing a quiet hum, Bones returned to the task of making Jim forget everything but the feeling of his mouth. Jim really hadn’t thought anyone could ever be as good as Sarah, who he’d dated half as long as he wanted to because her mouth made him see stars. Bones didn’t have half her technique, but Jim was already close enough for it to be shameful.

He was so blissed out on the feeling of slick warmth that he didn’t hear the sound of the lube opening. Then Bones shifted and he felt cold, wet fingers startling him out of his lassitude, causing him to tense.

“Bones?”

Pulling back, Bones asked, “This okay?”

Jim really thought about it. He trusted Bones to stop if he didn’t like it or it hurt. It wasn’t like he hadn’t thought about the next step or even had a finger inside himself. It was just something he’d thought they would have to work up to.

Forcing his body to relax, Jim breathed out, “Yeah, it’s okay. Keep going.”

“You can tell me to stop at any time.”

“I know.”

The fingers returned and just rubbed at his entrance. When Bones’ mouth returned Jim let himself be drawn back into the haze, so when the finger did finally breach him he arched at the intensity of it, not from pain. Jim grabbed at Bones’ hair without thought and clenched his fingers through the strands. Bones moaned, making Jim’s hips jackknife off the bed, which in turn caused Bones to choke and jerk back. 

“Sorry, sorry,” Jim panted.

Bones coughed and gave him a look before going back to the task. Jim felt like he was going to burst out of his skin if he didn’t come soon. It was just on the verge of being too much and Jim couldn’t get enough. The feel of Bones’ hair between his fingers pushed him towards the edge that much more quickly.

Jim twitched and tugged Bones’ hair to signal his impending climax. “I’m close,” he panted.

Bones pulled back and replaced his mouth with his hand, moving his fist up and down as he twisted his fingers in Jim, staring at him with such intensity that Jim’s breath caught.

“That’s it, Jim. Let go, come for me.” He came with a whimper.

Lying limp on the bed, Jim barely twitched when Bones removed his fingers and got off the bed to go into the bathroom. He roused a little when he felt Bones kneel on the bed and start cleaning him. When he was done, Bones got back on the bed and curled around Jim. He could feel the press of Bones’ erection against him and made weak motions to reciprocate.

“Don’t worry about it. You still have an hour, go back to sleep.” Jim didn’t argue.

The following weeks saw the steady progression of their sexual and romantic relationship. When Jim did stop to think about his feelings it gave him a headache. After a very long day filled with more than one disappointment, he made his way back to his quarters. His room was cast in semi darkness with deep shadows in the corners, and so focused was he on getting undressed and into bed as quickly as possible that he almost missed Bones passed out on the couch. He pulled up short and watched the rise and fall of Bones’ chest. He was still in his uniform, except for his blue uniform tunic. His feet hung off the side of the couch and he was going to wake up with a crick in his neck if he continued sleeping in that position. Jim was suddenly overcome with emotion. There was deep affection for his best friend mixed in with something Jim wasn’t sure he was ready to give voice to out loud.

He walked over to the couch and squatted down and gently shook Bones awake. The other man’s eyes slitted open. “Hi, sorry I’m late. I didn’t realize you were waiting up for me.”

Bones turned his face away to yawn into his arm. “Spock told me. I’m sorry.”

Shrugging, Jim tried not to let the full amount of his disappointment show. “One learns to pick their battles with Command.”

He helped Bones sit up and then stand up. Bones tugged him into a hug and Jim went into his arms willingly. The gentle motion of the hand rubbing up and down his back soothed him. It’s not like he’d never thought about the benefits of being in a relationship, but having never been in one as long lasting or as meaningful as the one he was in now, his understanding of what it meant to have a partner, someone to lean on, was much greater. It made him grateful. He swallowed around the lump in his throat.

“You staying the night?” Bones hummed an affirmative.

Once they were settled in bed, Bones’ head resting on Jim’s shoulder, Jim felt better able to let the disappointment go. Petting Bones, he drifted into sleep.

In the quiet moments in the shower, on the bridge, and while he exercises, Jim contemplates his relationship and future. He thinks long and hard of what it will mean to be with only Bones. He’s honest enough with himself to acknowledge that he’ll miss the excitement of chasing and experiencing a new sexual partner(s). Then he remembers the feeling of being held and not alone. Before, he was the one leaving, almost never investing any more of himself than one night, so it was with a quiet acceptance that he realized he was invested for the long haul with Bones. The thought of walking away from Bones and what they were building made his gut clench and acid burn the back of his throat. His now-stupid fears of the past had no foothold in his present relationship. Bones wasn’t going anywhere; even when he wanted to hide he had never gone where Jim couldn’t follow. Bones wasn’t going to put ghosts ahead of what was right in front of him.

Bones found him on the observation deck one night, contemplating them and their future.“You’ve been quiet lately. What’s on your mind?”

Taking Bones’ hand in his, Jim answers with a simple, “Us.”

The other man didn’t respond, only squeezed the hand in his and looked at the stars.

Jim knew all the gestures to make to get someone to notice him, to think he had what they wanted. He wasn’t so sure what to do when you already had the person and you wanted to show them you loved them and wanted something more permanent with them. He’d been thinking about it—a lot. He wanted sex and all the consequences that came with it. Maybe if the possibility of more wasn’t on the table it would be enough to remain as it was. Conversely, the knowing he could have more, that they _were_ more, made him greedy, made him _want._ He had never been one to deny himself before. Eight months ago Jim had been fine with his biggest commitment being the captain of a starship and all it entailed. The niggling little voice in the back of his head that whispered that everyone leaves, why would someone want to shackle themselves to him, paused and murmured that they couldn’t walk away if they were damn well married. Jocelyn was the one who left, not Bones, because Leonard McCoy was a man who gave his all in love. He didn’t know any other way to be.

They hadn’t talked of the future; the present was still too new so they carefully stepped over the landmines of marriage and forever to deal with the continuous shelling of things like being in a relationship with your best friend, who was a man and feeling scared shitless to the point where turning tail and running was only an only slightly less viable option than pushing forward.

He was on beta shift and only had an hour before he was due on the bridge, but the urge to see Bones, who’d be coming off shift, was strong. Weaving his way around crew members, Jim stepped into med bay with a spring in his step. Bones wasn’t in his office and Jim didn’t see him when he first walked in.

“Dr. McCoy is in surgery. Yeoman Song’s appendix burst.”

Thanking the tech, he made his way to the surgical suite. Through the observation window he was able to see Bones making minute movements to guide the machines first in removal and then suturing. By the time Bones stepped away Jim was half hard with a hand over his mouth and was twenty minutes late for his shift.

“I fell for him during a surgery. I couldn’t help thinking what those hands would feel like, to be the one who was the center of his focus.”

He was unsure of how to respond, because obviously Chapel knew exactly what he was feeling and technically _he_ was the third point that had forced the line from its linear trajectory. He wasn’t sorry, though, and looking at her he didn’t think she expected him to be.

When he shifted his eyes back to Bones the man was looking back at him. Jim felt the intensity of it in his core. The eyes moved to Chapel for a moment before reconnecting with Jim’s. He didn’t have an answer to the questions Bones’ eyes were asking.

“I’m late for my shift, excuse me.” 

Bones cornered Jim in his ready room and brought him to a quick, dirty orgasm that left him gasping wetly against warm, tan skin.

“Liked what you saw, didn’t you, darling?” 

Damn, he thought, sometimes he really hated how Bones was able to read him so well. “Apparently a lot of people do.” “I’m only looking back at one.”

“And it damn well better stay that way for the foreseeable future,” Jim growled as he reversed their positions, snaking a hand inside Bones’ pants and taking him a part just as skillfully as Bones had just done to him.

They both had been careful not to mention the m-word, so when Jim unintentionally dropped it in casual conversation they were both thrown.

Jim was helping Bones with the tedious task of checking the expiration dates on all the supplies in the emergency med packs—which seriously could have been done by a med tech, but Bones was too much of control freak to trust others with the job.

“I’m thinking of moving up our scheduled shore leave. I can feel how restless everyone is.”

“Probably a good idea. There’s been a marked increase in the amount of birth control we’ve been handing out. Not to mention the damn Andorian Clap that keeps popping back up. I’m half tempted to track the source and make sure they never feel the urge to use their genitalia again.”

“It’s a good thing we’re married men, then.”

The quiet that met his statement had him stilling, replaying his previous words. Bones was staring at him in that way that made Jim feel like the man could see every secret he’d ever tried to hide. “This is expired,” he said, holding up a bottle of derma seal.

“Is that how you see us, Jim? As married?”

He tried to be flippant. “According to the Federation we are.”

“Not what I asked.”

Not above imitating Bones and doing a runner, Jim stood up. “I just remembered that I have a report I need to send to the admiralty. I’ll see you later.”

“Jim.”

He heard Bones get up from his chair and walked that much faster.

He was hiding and he was not above admitting it. He was supposed to be holed up in his ready room doing the backlog of work he promised himself he would do today, but instead he was on all fours following Scotty down a narrow tunnel to try and find a shorted wire. When they stopped, Jim handed him the soldering tool. As he watched Scotty work his mind drifted. Two days later and he was still cringing in embarrassment at his slip. Bones hadn’t said anything—not that Jim was giving him much opportunity, hiding in the bowels of the ship as he was. His time with Scotty had been soothing, actually. The man didn’t ask invasive questions and his stories rivaled Jim’s in entertainment value.

“I think that’s it, Captain.”

He shimmied down the ladder and reached up to take the tool bag from Scotty. When he turned around it was to find Bones leaning up against a wall. Bones had the crazy eyes he made when he was one second away from hypoing someone into oblivion. Jim smiled genially. It never boded well for those who messed with a crazy-eyed McCoy. 

“Hi, Bones.”

“Jim.” Bones said his name with a little extra twang and Jim _knew_ he was in trouble.

“I was just helping Scotty with some maintenance.”

“Oh, I know what you were doing.”

Scotty was looking back and forth between them. “I’m just going to go and check to make sure the patch is working.” He beat a hasty retreat. Jim didn’t blame him.

“What can I help you with, Bones?”

“Let’s start with why you feel the need to avoid me.”

Jim opened his mouth to deny that very fact and then thought better of it. “You know why.”

“I have an idea.” Bones pushed off the wall and came towards him. Jim backed up without thought until his back was against the ladder. “Is it because you were surprised you said the word, made it too real for you, or because you were afraid of my reaction to it? I assure you, Jim, I’m very aware of the fact that we’re married.”

Licking his lips, Jim responded, “Knowing and actually feeling it are two different things.”

Bones was searching his face and he fidgeted. “Do you feel it, darlin’?”

Jim could smell Bones and feel the heat coming off of him. He just wanted to wrap himself around the other man and anchor all he was in him. “Yes,” he breathed.

“All you had to do was tell me. The minute we got together I felt it. I was waiting for it be real to you. For it to become something you wanted to make permanent.”

“Jim.” Bones said his name so sweetly fond. “Having a piece a paper and a title is not what makes it real for me. It’s the commitment I make to the person. And you’ve had that for a long time in one form or another.”

Jim’s arms came up to grip Bones’ waist. “This is me saying I want the title and all the privileges and complications that come with it.”

Bones shook his head. “There’s no going back once we do this, Jim. I need you to be absolutely sure.”

Jump first and ask questions later use to be his motto, but it hasn’t been since he got the _Enterprise._ He had thought long and hard about what he was asking for, what he was pledging himself to.

Moving his hands to cup Bones’ face, Jim told him, “I can’t promise forever—fuck, I can’t even guarantee you tomorrow—but what I can vow is that you’ll have all of me, mind, body and soul, for as long as you want it. I swear that while there is still breath in my lungs I’ll do everything to get back to you.”

The juddering breath Bones breathed in made Jim hurt a little. “Okay.” He nodded as he pulled Jim into a kiss. “Okay.”

They didn’t rush into things. They took their time settling what both of them now thought was a marriage. Jim knew he was spending his days grinning like an idiot, and if it was anyone else he’d be demanding they be evaluated for a psychotic break. Spock just seemed mildly amused, Uhura alternated between looking smug and smiling back softly, Chekov and Sulu looked confused and slightly disturbed, and through it all Jim just kept smiling. He was the happiest he’d ever been in his life.

Bones called him down to Sickbay. Jim was somewhat confused, as they were planning on meeting for dinner soon. He found Bones in a private room. Bones patted the biobed.

“I want to examine you.”

Narrowing his eyes, Jim asked, “Why? I feel fine.”

“I know that. I want to get some blood.”

“Why do you need my blood…oh.” He trailed off at Bones’ significant look.

Hoping up on a biobed, Jim kicks his feet giddily. He felt like he was five again and eagerly awaiting his promised sweet. They were going to have _sex._ He laughed a little at the connotation his mind was giving the word.

“What’s so funny?” Bones asked as he pulled back the privacy screen.

“Nothing.” Jim grinned at him.

Bones drew two tubes of blood and Jim didn’t even flinch. While they waited for his results he started rocking. Bones just gave him his “you are an over-excitable child” look. The PADD dinged, signaling results. “You’re clean.”

Jim refrains from asking the crude question of when they could fuck. Instead he took the PADD that Bones handed him. Figuring they were his results, he glanced down and saw they were actually Bones’. Jim had never doubted him when he’d said he was clean, but the fact that Bones was sharing, unrequested, reinforced that they were doing the right thing. He dropped the PADD behind him and pulled Bones to him.

“Tell me, doctor, when exactly do you plan on having your wicked way with me?” Jim breathed into Bones’ ear.

Bones’ hands came up and cupped Jim’s face. “Soon. Now get out of my Sickbay, you horny puppy.”

Jim scowled but left Sickbay all the same. Once back on the bridge he couldn’t seem to concentrate. He signed off on reports and promptly forgot about them five minutes later. He just kept thinking about what sex with Bones would be like. He was nervous—not that he’d admit to Bones. Jim didn’t want to give him any reason to postpone their coming together. He was ready for them to be together in every way.

He was dazing off wondering if a cock would feel any stranger than fingers when Spock moved to his side. “Captain, shift ended seven point four minutes ago.”

“I’ll leave her in your capable hands, then. Thanks, Spock.” There was something in his thanks that he hadn’t meant to put there, but he didn’t wish it back. Spock, ever the observant Vulcan, inclined his head.

Jim hurried to his quarters and was only slightly disappointed when Bones wasn’t there to greet him. He stripped and got into the shower. He was half hard and desperate for a wank, but he didn’t want to risk if Bones was out there waiting for him. He took several minutes to clean and slightly stretch himself. It was probably going to hurt regardless, but Jim could handle that. After his shower he brushed his teeth before heading out into his room. Bones wasn’t waiting for him, so he dropped his towel to put on underwear. 

“Don’t bother,” a husky voice said. Jim looked over his shoulder. Bones was leaning against the divider, a glass in hand. He had taken off his blue science tunic and boots. Jim thought he looked incredibly sexy.

“You’re a little overdressed, Bones. Why don’t you lose the clothes?”

“I will in a minute. Get on the bed.” Jim slid onto the bed and positioned himself and looked up at Bones through his lashes. Bones’ eyes raked his body and Jim fought the urge to just grab him and pull him on top of him. “I never thought I could find another man as attractive as I find you.”

Before Jim could respond likewise, Bones had taken a sip of his drink, moved forward, and attacked his mouth. Jim moaned into the kiss and tugged at Bones’ hair. They kissed languidly, hands sliding over shoulders and down chests. Bones pushed him back and then poured cognac from the glass still in his hand into the hollow between his collarbones before lapping it up. For Jim, who was no stranger to body shots, it was one of the most erotic things he had ever experienced.

“Bones,” he said plaintively, tugging at Bones’ shirt. After weeks of going slow and learning each other, he was impatient to get to the next step. It seemed Bones was too, because he set his drink down and pulled off his shirt. He didn’t remove his pants, much to Jim’s disappointment. Bones removed something from his pocket and tossed it on the bed. Jim didn’t get a chance to see it as he was dragged down to the end of the bed by Bones. When Bones gave him a swift kiss before kissing down his body Jim had to shut his eyes or risk making the most embarrassing noise. He’d never get tired of seeing _this,_ Bones’ lush mouth swallowing him.

“You’re not looking, Jim.”

“That’s because you know how fast this will be over if I do.”

“I want you to look at me, though.”

Bones kissed the inside of Jim’s knee before rubbing a lightly stubbled cheek across the sensitive skin of his inner thigh. Jim hissed and bucked. He never would have thought he would find the feeling so damn good it made him want to burst. He finally opened his eyes when Bones licked a stripe up his cock.

“I never thought I’d love sucking cock, but you just feel so damn good in my mouth.” Bones proved his opinion by swallowing Jim down.

Jim tilted his head back and closed his fingers in Bones’ hair. “Fuck.” Bones’ technique had definitely improved from when they first started a few months ago, and Jim was finding it hard not to come after being been half hard for most of the day. Bones seemed to sense this and pulled off.

“Not yet. I want to be inside you when you come.” Jim had to reach down quickly and stop himself from coming at that idea alone.

“Dammit, Bones. You can’t say things like that.”

“So I can’t tell you how I can’t wait to spread you open and fill you up with my cock? To watch as you come apart so I can build you right back up and take you over and over again, until you don’t know your own name?”

“Bones,” Jim whined, bucking up. “Stop teasing, you fucking bastard.”

“Your wish is my command.” Jim focused on take deep breaths and calming his body down so when Bones touched his entrance with cold, slippery fingers he jumped. “Just relax.”

Jim had had Bones’ fingers inside him plenty of times now, but he didn’t think he’d ever get used to the weird pressure of first being breached and stretched. Bones took his time stretching him, working up to three fingers until Jim was quivering and thrusting back on them with abandon. Bones removed his fingers, wiped them off, and then slicked himself up.

“What position do you want to be in?”

“On my back is fine.” He wants to see Bones. They’ll have plenty of time to experiment later.

Bones shuffled up between Jim’s legs, placing a hand on his hip to keep him still as he slowly pushed in. Jim was immediately cognizant that there was a lot of difference between fingers and a cock. The pressure was more than he expected and he closed his eyes. It was such a foreign feeling having someone inside him, but it was all right because it was Bones, his husband.

“Feels so good, _Jim._ ”

He brought his hands up to rest on Bones’ hips, signaling him to hold still. Jim wiggled, getting used to the feeling of being stretched and filled beyond anything he’d known. “Okay, you can move.”

Bones hooked Jim’s legs over his arms and started gently thrusting. His range of motion was limited in this position, but he did the best he could lifting up to meet him. When Bones put his legs down they paused for a moment to put a pillow under his hips. When Bones slid back in Jim moaned; the new angle felt amazing and he wanted more. Jim could tell that Bones was trying to be gentle, that he was holding back. He didn’t want that. He wanted Bones to let go and feel with him. Sliding his hands down from Bones’ shoulders, Jim gripped his ass, forcing a pleased sound out of Bones.

Their movements were frenzied and erratic, but it felt different and amazing and Jim wouldn’t have had it any other way. Bones was kissing him sloppily and open-mouthed, panting into his ear with every thrust. A shift caused him to nail Jim’s prostate and Jim let out a cry.

“Do that again,” he demanded. Bones did and Jim tightened his grip, forcing Bones to just rock into him. He scrunched up his eyes and was surprised to find he was holding his breath. The sensation of his prostate being stimulated was more intense than when Bones used his fingers, and Jim was stupid with it. Grabbing Bones’ hair, Jim pulled him closer.

“That’s it, darlin’, fuck me.” Bones held still for him, let him direct the pace, letting him take his fill. Jim tightened his grip on Bones’ hips with his thighs. He was so close to coming he was almost mindless with the need. He couldn’t help the needful sound that escaped. _“Fuck, Jim,_ you look so good like this.”

He was both pushing and pulling Bones to him, trying to find that perfect spot that would tip him over the edge. It was the most exquisite pain wrapped in completion. “Bones,” he pleaded.

Bones answered him by leaning down and capturing his mouth, plundering it and stealing his breath. His weight came to rest more fully on Jim when Bones moved a hand between them. Bones began to move, gently at first and then more forcefully. Jim was helpless to do anything but cling.

“I’m going to come so hard inside you, Jim. Fill you up until you feel it running down your thighs.”

When said in that voice in tandem with Bones’ movement inside him Jim wanted nothing more than just that. When Bones went still Jim could feel him pulsing inside of him as he kept moving, try to find his release, until the moment he angled his hips just right and Bones was biting down on his shoulder at the same time as his hand gripped him tighter and stoked up. He came in two hard jerks of his body.

He went limp afterwards. His thighs ached from clenching for so long. He made a noise when Bones pulled out gently and nuzzled him, licking at the mark he’d made. Jim couldn’t help the grimace he made. Bones caught it and asked what was wrong.

“It’s not so sexy in reality.”

Bones frowned in confusion and then looked down and smirked. “Yeah, but it looks amazing.”

Jim pushed weakly at him. “I need a shower.”

“Mmmm,” Bones agreed. “Go take a shower. I’ll join you as soon I change the sheets.”

It wasn’t until he was under the spray that it hit Jim that they’d just had sex. There was no annulling the marriage now. Bones may not regret it tonight, but what about the next time Jim got hurt? When Bones joined him in the shower he was tense. Bones’ arms went around him but he paused when he felt the tension in Jim’s body. “Are you in pain?”

“No.”

Bones turned him around to see his face. Jim couldn’t meet his eyes. “Did you not like it?” Bones asked hesitantly.

“Of course I did,” Jim reassured him. “Are you sure you made the right choice? We can’t get an annulment now.”

“I’m positive. Jim, it was never the marriage itself I had issues with.” At Jim’s look he amended. “Okay, a little bit, but it was more what the marriage would represent. Tying myself to another person, building a life with them again, only to have it ripped away.”

Jim suddenly wondered if what Bones thought the marriage would be like is what he’s getting in reality. Bones tightened his arms around and kissed his shoulder. “I love you.”

Letting the tension bleed out, Jim turned in Bones’ arms. “You’re just trying to soften me up so you can have more marital relations with me.”

“Yeah…no. You’ll call it fucking or nothing at all.” Jim just laughed and allowed Bones to pull him more fully under the spray.

Spock gave him his best blank look and Uhura beamed at him during breakfast. He was happy, genuinely happy. It was a great feeling and he wanted to share it with everyone. He even smiled through Starfleet command’s new orders that had them doubling back where they’d just been a week ago, even though he knew the _Titan_ was closer. When end of shift came he was eager to go back to his quarters and see Bones. He found his quarters empty when he returned and was disappointed. He sat on the couch and tried hard not to call down to Sickbay and ask Bones when he was coming over. It was then that it hit him. What did they do now?

Would Bones want to keep separate quarters or would he want to move in with Jim? Jim had the larger quarters; it only made sense that Bones should move in with him. Then it occurred to him that maybe Bones wouldn’t want to do that because then the whole crew would know and he had been pretty adamant about keeping things quiet between them. Jim had just always assumed that when he married he would live with his spouse. While Bones did live with him, in a sense, he didn’t like the idea of Bones not being there every night.

Looking around his room he mentally placed Bones’ stuff. He went over his dresser and moved his clothes around so that Bones had two drawers. He opened his closet and sighed. He definitely needed to clean it out and make room. He did a quick pickup of the room, as Bones was quite tidy and if he was going to convince Bones that moving in was the best for both of them, he needed to make the place look worthwhile.

He burrowed in his closet, trying to sort through what he needed to have ready versus what he could store, when Bones found him.

“What are you doing? I thought we were supposed to go work out.”

“Sorry, I lost track of time.” Scooting backwards out of the closet, he bumped into Bones. “I was trying to make room in the closet for you. I’ve emptied two drawers on the left.”

Bones just looked at him for moment before he hauled him up and kissed him. Jim gave back as good as he got

.

“Thank you, darling, but you know not all my stuff is going to fit.”

“Yeah, but I figured you can have a at least a week’s worth before you’d have to go back to your quarters.”

“Okay. I’ll clear some room for you in mine, too.”

Jim wanted to protest that the whole point of him doing this was so Bones didn’t need to go back to his. Instead he smiled his appreciation.

“Hurry up and change. I want to get to the gym before it gets too crowded.”

Jim got his first inkling that more people on the ship knew the state of things than he first thought when he got two knowing smirks and several sly winks when heading to the mess for lunch. A table full of women went quiet when he walked by to grab his food. He sat down at a table by himself and ate his lunch, scanning the cafeteria and trying to guess the number of people who actually knew Bones and he were sleeping together and not just hoping/guessing they were.

The sound of a tray hitting the table caused him to jump. “Why are you so jumpy?”

“Nothing,” Jim muttered.

Bones stared at as he sat down. “Riiiight.”

Jim took another bite and scanned the room, making eye contact with three people. It was starting to make him twitch.

“Jim.” 

“What?”

“Did you hear anything I said?”

Jim dragged his attention back to Bones. “I’m sorry. I’m listening.”

“I said, you’ve noticed the looks, too?”

Jim leaned forward. “I think they know.” He hated to point it out to Bones, knowing what a private person he was.

“About you and me?”

“Yes,” Jim hissed, catching the eye of an officer in Security and glaring.

“So?”

“What do you mean, so?”

“Jim, we live on a ship. They were bound to find out at some point.”

To say he was surprised would be an understatement. “Bones, you were the one who freaked out when everyone was talking about us months ago.”

“That was because it wasn’t true. If it’s true, then who cares?”

He was gaping like a fish and he was sure he looked less than attractive. “You were the one who barely spoke to me for weeks after people joked about us being a couple.”

Waving his fork in the air in dismissal, Bones said, “I was working through my feelings for you at the time, and I really was trying to make things work with Christine.” Jim flinched a little at the mention of Christine. Bones leaned forward. “Remember what you told me before, they’ll get bored with us eventually.”

Jim nodded and went back to his food. It was more about how Bones would react to all the gossip and innuendo that had Jim on edge. Although he was finding that he wanted to protect and keep private what he and Bones had now. It hadn’t mattered before with others, but he’d known since the beginning that whatever happened between him and Bones would be different in more than a few ways.

Bones nudged his foot under the table and Jim smiled. “So Command asked for leave options. Where do you feeling like going?”

Jim didn’t look up from the Denobulan play Uhura had recommended to him when the door swished open and then closed. It was only when the quiet had stretched too long that he looked up. Bones was standing at the foot of his bed. Jim smiled in welcome.

“Fuck me,” Bones demanded.

Jim gave him a startled look. “What?”

“I said,” Bones said as he stripped off his shirts, “fuck me.”

When Bones sat down on the bed to take off his boots Jim crawled to him. Wrapping his arms around him, he asked, “Are you sure?”

Bones stood up and undid the fastenings of his pants before pushing them off, along with his underwear. “Yes.” He pushed Jim back on the bed and climbed over him. “I can’t stop thinking about it. What it will feel like to have you inside of me.”

Jim shivered at the words, because _fuck,_ he’d been thinking about the same thing for months. He had been content to wait until Bones was ready. It hadn’t been a hardship waiting; he loved getting fucked by Bones. He mouthed his way down Bones’ neck, stopping to suck a bruise on his shoulder. He slid a hand up to tweak one of Bones’ nipples, a weakness of his that Jim exploited shamelessly. Bones pulled away from him to shuck Jim’s socks, pants and underwear, giving Jim a heated look when he was finally naked.

“You’ll like it, Bones, I promise.” Jim grabbed Bones and pulled him down on the bed. He scrambled for the lube while Bones ran his hands all over Jim, grabbing his ass and kneading. He could feel Bones’ erection against his hip and he couldn’t resist teasing. “Got yourself all worked up thinking about me fucking you, didn’t you?”

“Why do you never stop talking?” Bones growled.

Jim grinned before he swooped down and took possession of Bones’ lips. Their kisses were biting and fierce, each fighting for dominance. He pulled back and grabbed Bones’ wrists and pinned them above his head. “Be a good doctor and don’t move until I tell you.”

When Bones went to move Jim gave him his captain stare and he subsided. “Fine, do your worst.”

“Is that a request?”

“Yeah, a request that you hurry it the fuck up.” Bones punctuates his demand with a lifting of hips.

Jim sighed mockingly. “You’re going to be a really bossy bottom, aren’t you?

”

Bones glared. “Like you’re not? I distinctly remember you telling me if I didn’t put my back into it you were going to—” Jim cut him off by sliding his hands down Bones’ thigh and between his legs to run his fingertips across the entrance to Bones’ body. His breath stuttered and his eyes fell shut as Jim continued to softly touch him. Jim withdrew and leaned towards their nightstand to get the lubricant. He quaked a little internally at the sight of Bones soft and compliant underneath him. Bones watched his every move as Jim coated his finger with the lube and then moved them back down between his legs. Bones spread his legs wider and Jim slipped his middle finger into him slowly. His other hand went to grip Bones’ hip and rub his thumb reassuringly over his hip bone.

“Take a deep breath and let it out.”

“I know what to do, dammit.”

Jim didn’t bother telling him he was holding his breath and tensing up. He remembered what it felt like that first time so he kept his mouth shut and added another finger. Bones reached out blindly when he did that. “Tell me if you want to stop.”

“No, it’s okay, keep going.” Bones emphasized the words by pushing back on Jim’s fingers.

By the time he slid in a third finger Bones was shifting his hips and panting softly. When his eyes opened to look at Jim they were half lidded. He reached down and tugged at Jim’s wrist until he removed his fingers before flipping over on his stomach and getting on all fours. “Do it, I’m ready.”

Jim took a moment to rain kisses down Bones’ back. The man huffed in response, but didn’t say anything. Jim slicked himself up and spread Bones’ cheeks, exposing him. He really didn’t think he’d ever find another male attractive enough to want to do this with. Bones was it for him in so many ways. He pushed in and paused when Bones tensed, ignoring his demands to keep going, waiting until he relaxed before pushing in more.

He tried to go slow, like Bones did for him his first time, but Bones seemed to want none of that. He pushed back roughly and insistently. “Fuck me.”

“Told you, bossy bottom.”

“Shut up—” Bones was cut off by Jim thrusting forward.

Bones grunted and demanded, “Do that again.”

Jim was more than happy to oblige. They built up a nice rhythm, but Bones seemed restless so Jim increased the speed of his thrusts. Bones started pushing back, trying to make his movements forceful.

Jim grabbed his hips and picks up his pace. He couldn’t help a particularly hard thrust at the thought that Chapel didn’t know what it felt like to be inside Bones or hear the sounds he was making now. They were totally different from the ones he made when he was fucking Jim. It sparked something primal in him.

“You’re mine, Bones. “He emphasized his point with another hard thrust. Bones moaned and arched. Jim had never seen a sexier tableau than Bones flushed, sweating and panting, with Jim’s cock moving in and out of him. Bones fucked with abandon, and it was beautiful.

“You’re mine to kiss.” He leaned down to plant a kiss between Bones’ shoulderblades. “You’re mine to fuck.” Jim knew he was taking a risk, but that was what he did, so he smacked Bones’ ass. That earned him a whine and clench. He leaned down, covering Bones back, so he could whisper in Bones’ ear. “Most of all, you’re mine to love.”

“Yes,” Bones hissed in agreement.

Jim grinned stupidly the next day. He didn’t care what the ships gossips said. He fucked his husband last night, and it was amazing. Bones had blushed and glared at him, telling him to shut up when Jim leered at him at breakfast. He grabbed Bones before he left his quarters and hugged him. Kissing him on the cheek, Jim wished him a good day.

Bones looked surprised and then smirked. “Who knew that married sex would make you all domestic?”

“What can I say? Fucking your tight ass is enough to tame even the most stubborn of Lotharios.”

Bones turned red and rolled his eyes. “You’re ridiculous.”

Jim was tapping his fingers on the bar impatiently. Bones was supposed to meet him at the restaurant for dinner ten minutes ago. Jim was starting to feel anxious; it wasn’t like Bones not to call if he was going to be late. He was pulling out his communicator to call Bones when he felt someone take the stool next him. He looked up smiling, thinking it was Bones. Instead, a woman a few years older than him smiled at him. She shifted, causing her skirt to ride up and expose a healthy expanse of thigh.

“Hi there, can I buy you a drink?”

Internally sighing, Jim responded, “No, thank you. I’m waiting for someone.”

She leaned forward slightly, “I’ve been watching you. Are you sure you haven’t been stood up?”

“I’m sure.” He darted one last glance at her legs and went back to trying to call Bones. It rang three times before Bones’ voice told him to leave a message. The woman took the hint and left. Jim was just about to call the ship and ask them to trace Bones’ location when someone pressed close behind him.

“Tell me, Jim, are you going to miss not having those legs wrapped around you?” 

Breath hitching the slightest amount at the feeling of Bones’ lips ghosting over his ear, he smirked. “I’m more interested in another pair of legs.”

Bones moved around to take the seat the woman had vacated. “You don’t miss it, even a little?”

“What, getting picked up in bars?” 

“Women, you idiot.”

“I don’t know, sometimes I like to picture what you would look like as a woman,” he leered.

“I’m being serious. Do you ever miss being with women?”

Shrugging, Jim replied, “Probably as much as you do. What is this about, Bones?”

“You love women, Jim. I just find it hard to believe that you don’t miss being with one sometimes.”

He gripped Bones’ arm and looked into his eyes. “If it ever becomes a problem, I promise I will say something to you.”

“All right.”

“Good. I’m starving. Let’s eat so we can hurry back to the hotel. I’m eager to get that a pair of legs that I was telling you about wrapped around me.”

Jim moved aside and lets Bones go first. He actually had someone waiting for him. Jim could see the press outside the barrier. He made sure to hang back from Bones. He knew news of their marriage would get out eventually; he just wasn’t going to help them figure it out any sooner than that. He spotted Joanna just as she saw Bones. She started running, ignoring her mother’s call. Bones leaned down and swept her up in his arms and swung her around.

Jim didn’t know how to play it. Bones had never said he wanted to be alone with Joanna when they docked, but Jim didn’t want to be a third wheel. Then again, with Jocelyn here maybe he wouldn’t be. Bones glanced at him, making eye contact.

“You all right?”

“Yeah, I’m just surprised there’s all this press for just a short layover.”

“Starfleet just loves parading their golden calf around.”

Bones’ attention was pulled back to his daughter by her patting his face and giggling at the feel of his stubble. Jim had seen holos of Joanna before, but seeing her in person was startling. Her resemblance to Bones made it all the more striking. He watched as Joanna started talking a mile a minute and hugged her dad, and Jim envied Bones. It came as a shock to him; he had never thought about kids before, but now he was suddenly wondering if Bones wanted more, with him. Bones looked so happy with his daughter in his arms.

Jocelyn finally caught up to them and greeted Bones cordially. She smiled at Joanna when she told her mother all the things she and her dad were going to do. Jim suddenly felt like a third wheel. He saw Spock standing off to the side waiting for him, and without saying anything he left. They probably wouldn’t notice anyway.

“Jim, I’m sure Pike can have our debriefing pushed back if you wish to spend time with Leonard.”

“Nah, Bones probably wants to spend time alone with his daughter anyway.” He hadn’t even been introduced her, or Jocelyn to him. When he looked over he saw them laughing. He chided himself for feeling slighted and followed Spock to the administration building.

Four hours and a raging headache later Jim let himself into his assigned room. He had brushed off the yeoman’s offer to “help him with anything he needed.” He wondered if he and Bones had been assigned a room together. When he entered he found he was alone and there was no sight of Bones’ luggage. Jim wasn’t sure how he felt about that. On the one hand, rooming together would be a dead giveaway to their just-friends persona, but he was used to sleeping with Bones every night now. His stomach grumbled, reminding him that he was hungry. After debating for several moments he decided to tag Chekov and Scotty and see if they were interested in getting some food. Bones was probably still busy with Joanna and Jocelyn anyway. Chekov agreed and Scotty said he would join them as soon as he had finished making sure the maintenance team knew what to touch and what not to. Jim let Chekov pick where they ate and didn’t say a word when Chekov shyly chose a Russian restaurant. He wished they were going to be on Earth longer so the kid could go home and visit his family.

He let Chekov decide what they were going to eat. It was nice to see the kid excited about something other than algorithms and running. Scotty showed up just as their server was bringing out their dishes.

“Where’s the vodka?”

“I thought you only drank Scotch or beer.”

“You know what they say, when in Rome....”

Jim snorted and asked for a bottle of vodka. When no one was looking he filled Chekov’s water glass. The kid downed it like a pro. Jim’s comm beeped, alerting him to an incoming call. When he answered it he saw Bones.

“Where are you?”

“Chekov, Scotty, and I grabbed some Russian food.”

“Oh, I was just calling to see if you wanted to join Joanna, Jocelyn, and me for dinner.”

Jim knew that Bones didn’t mean it like it sounded, but it still made his jaw clench. “You go ahead. We’re probably going to hit the bar after this anyway.”

Bones was staring at him in a way that made Jim want to snap at him. “All right, I’ll see you later, then.”

“Okay.” He hung up feeling worse than before.

He didn’t get back to his room until late. Feeling a little worse for wear, he stripped on his way the bathroom. Jim hated crawling into bed smelling like bar. It made his sheets smell. He stopped short when he saw the lump in his bed. Pulling back the sheets he saw his husband shirtless and curled around a pillow. The urge to touch was so strong that Jim didn’t try to stop it. It was a little ridiculous how much he loved that man. Bones snuffled at the touch and Jim pulled back, not wanting to wake him and possibly have to talk about what was bothering him. It only took a few minutes after he’d showered and returned to bed for Bones to abandon the pillow and curl around Jim instead.

Bones was awake and making noise in the living room when Jim awoke. He shifted and stretched, feeling the last dregs of body heat from where Bones had recently been. When the bedroom door swished open he raised up on his arms.

“Sorry to wake you, but we have to be leaving soon.”

Jim groaned and buried his head back under the pillow. “We’re on vacation, Bones, I just want to sleep and brush up on a couple of my skills.”

With a glare Bones said, “You can go play in the sims tomorrow. Today you’re coming with us.”

“Why?” Jim asks testily.

Yanking the covers off him, Bones grabbed Jim ankle and yanked him down the bed before kneeling over him. “That’s it, what is going on with you? Ever since we got home you’ve been acting distant.” Bones paused as if something had just occurred to him. “You’re not regretting making what we have official, are you?” Bones suddenly looked worried.

Jim wanted to scoff at the ludicrousness of the question. Instead he gripped Bones’ head and kissed him with the all the love and passion he felt for his husband. “That is the stupidest thing you’ve ever asked me.” And because he didn’t know how to put into words what he was feeling, he distracted Bones the best way he knew how.

Pulling back, Bones gave him one last kiss. “We don’t have time, Jim. We’re meeting Joce and Joanna in forty minutes.” Jim threw his arms over his face. “We’re going to talk later.”

They met Jocelyn and Joanna outside of their hotel. Bones had said because they were already doing all the tourist attractions with Joanna it was rude not to invite Jocelyn. Jim got it, he did. By playing nice with the ex it made it more likely she would make it easier for Bones to see his daughter. They had agreed (Bones had agreed) on the walk to the hotel that they would hold off telling Joanna and Jocelyn about their being married. The concept of having a step-daughter had been a vague one on the ship, but now being faced with a little girl who had Bones’ hair, nose, and face shape, it was hard not face it.

Jim had once come across a picture of the two shortly after Joanna was born, so he knew what Jocelyn looked like. While she wasn’t Jim’s type, he could see why Bones found her attractive. She was pretty and had an earnestness about her that was endearing. Jim kinda wanted to beam her to a Spock-classified M planet.

He chose to focus his attention on Joanna for the most of the day. They went to the wharf and took a whale watching tour of the bay. Jim tried his best to ignore how every time Joanna did or said something particularly adorable Bones and Jocelyn would share a look. His stomach clenched every time Jocelyn would touch Bones. Jim thought he was done feeling jealousy after Christine. It didn’t sit well with him. He was not jealous by nature; then again, he had never felt this insecure in a relationship before.

When they returned to their room Jim headed straight to the bathroom to take a shower. When he emerged he found Bones sitting in the living space, a drink in hand and another waiting on the coffee table. He picked up the coffee and drank quietly. With a sigh Bones got up and crouched next to him.

“Dammit, Jim, what’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing. I’ll get over it soon.”

“It not nothing if you’re sitting here not talking to me. You won’t even look at me.”

Jim wanted to blurt out the ugly truth, but even he knew how ridiculous and childish he’d sound. “Please, darlin’, let me help.”

Jim released a sigh. “She has a part of you that I can never have, and I can’t stand her for it. I selfishly and irrationally want all of you, Bones. I need to have all of you—just like you have all of me.”

Bones reached out to him, touching his face. “There’s a reason why she and I are no longer married, Jim, and _we_ are. Yes, she’s the mother of my child, but you’re my best friend, my husband, my captain, and I’d follow you anywhere.” And here Bones took a deep breath, straddling Jim’s hips and grabbing his face. “You do have all of me, now and always.”

Jim clung to this because he wanted it to be true so badly. He still didn’t think Bones got how much he meant to him; that might be for the better, though. He still wasn’t completely convinced Bones wouldn’t one day wake up and realize that being with Jim was just too hard.

Greedily he returned Bones’ kisses and shoved his hands up under Bones’ uniform, desperate for the touch of bare skin. How he could want another being at the exclusion of reason was beyond him. He just knew that he could breathe now that Bones was touching him. Jim made a noise of protest when Bones pulled away. Holding out his hand, he waited for Jim to take it before leading him back into their bedroom.

Bones guided him to the bed and pushed until Jimi sat. He swiftly removed his clothes, all the while keeping his eyes on Jim. When he was naked he started removing Jim’s clothes, too. When Jim would have reached out and touched, Bones moved away.

“I want to try something different tonight. Do you trust me?”

Jim wanted to tell him that it was a given, but instead he nodded. Bones went over to the drawers and got out a belt. Jim stiffened. He didn’t want to be hit, but he was willing to try it if that was what Bones wanted. Seeing the look on Jim’s face, Bones rushed to reassure him. “I don’t want to hurt you, Jim, don’t worry.”

Pressing sweet kisses to his face, Bones pushed Jim back. Setting the belt aside, he reached into the bedside table for slick. Jim spread his legs, eager for Bones’ ministrations. “You are so damn gorgeous, Jim. I could look at you all day. When you’re like this, though, spread out before me, desperate for my touch, you’re nothing less than stunning.”

He soaked up the words like air, arched up wanting more contact. Bones obliged and pressed two fingers inside of him. It wasn’t enough, he wanted more. Wanted the oblivion that came when Bones had him so incoherent all he could do was beg for release, to the point where his world narrowed to the spots where they were touching. Bones scissored his fingers inside of Jim; even after all the times they’d done this it still felt new and strange.

By the introduction of the third finger Jim felt like he’d been stung a hundred times, his body one big mass of overstimulated nerves, where every touch was too much and not enough. Bones removed his fingers and wiped them on the sheets before moving to lie on his back. Jim straddled his waist and grabbed Bones’ cock, seating himself down on it. As soon as he was seated Bones reached for the belt. Jim paused, but he didn’t shy away. Bones leaned up in a way that Jim knew would be killing his abs in a moment, and enjoyed the view. Bones took his wrists and brought them together before wrapping the belt around them and tightening it. Jim made a noise of discontent. He hated not being able to touch Bones.

Bones fell back on the pillows and ran his hands up Jim’s thighs to grip his hips. “I know you like to touch, sweetheart, but I want you to concentrate on me and how I’m making you feel.”

There was a rush of anticipation at the promise of Bones’ words. Bones gripped Jim’s hips again and gently encouraged him to rock. It was a little disorientating not having his arms to balance or gain leverage. Bones started thrusting up into him and it felt amazing. There really was nothing he could do but surrender to the feeling of Bones’ cock stretching his open, filling him, _owning_ him. He tipped his head back and tried to rock into Bones’ thrusts, but the grip on his hips held him tight and he whined in frustration.

“That’s it, darlin’, just let me take care of you.”

Jim did fight it like he usually would but allowed himself to be pushed to the point where he was nothing but a raw mass of nerves, beyond self-awareness. Bones’ fingers came up to pinch his nipples before scratching down his chest. Jim jerked and almost lost his balance, only to have Bones catch him. Thighs shaking from the tension of being closing to coming and never quite getting there, Jim finally broke. A choked-off sob broke free, despite his best efforts to restrain it, as he shook apart.

Flopping down on Bones’ chest, Jim tried to catch his breath. Bones removed the belt binding his wrists. “Thanks.”

Bones rubbed at his wrists, waiting for him to recover, and when he did he rolled them over. Jim came back to the awareness that Bones was still hard inside him. He sluggishly wrapped his legs around Bones’ waist and tugged.

“Brat.”

Jim just sighed in response as Bones started to move. “Let’s do this forever.”

“I don’t think either of us has that much stamina.”

“Speak for yourself.” Jim arched into a hard thrust. It was a little unfair that Bones had never had sex with another man before him, and yet, after only a few months he seemed to have mastered it.

The feeling of hot breath on his neck had Jim squirming. He fisted Bones’ hair and guided his mouth to his neck, scraping his nails down Bones’ back and smiling as it elicited a pleased sound. “I love this. I love how it is never enough.” He couldn’t say the most important I-love just yet. The sting of feeling abandoned still lingered.

Bones tipped Jim’s head back, forcing him to meet his eyes. He was close enough to climaxing that he couldn’t speak, but Jim knew what he wanted to say. He wrapped himself around Bones as he came silently.

After five minutes Bones got out of bed and tugged at Jim. “Come on, let’s take a shower.”

Jim stirred awake at the feeling of a hand on his shoulder. “—ones?”

“Wake up, Jim. We have a busy day.”

Jim turned his head to look at Bones. “What do we have planned?”

“We’re picking Joanna up at her hotel and then we’re going to the aquarium.”

Jim lifted up on his elbows and asked, “Is Jocelyn coming?”

Putting a knee on the bed, Bones reached out to cup his jaw. “No. It will be just us today.”

Turning his head, Jim kissed Bones’ palm. “I’ll get dressed.”

They picked Joanna up at her hotel and caught the tram. Joanna was just as happy to see Jim as she was yesterday. Jim had to admit he was more than a little smitten with her. Joanna pointed out exciting things to her dad and babbled to Jim about her pet cat, Josie. When Joanna grabbed his hand when they crossed the street he couldn’t help the smile. He could this. He could be a good step-parent. When Jim would periodically glance back, Bones was there to give him an encouraging smile.

When they got to the aquarium Bones took a step back and let Joanna and Jim lead. Bones rolled his eyes when they both hurried over to the crocodile exhibit. The rest of the afternoon was spent exploring. They watched the sharks swim and hunted for eels in dark crevices. They moved as a group to the big roundabout tank to watch the stingrays being fed. Jim pointed out the different fish to Joanna. Bones had a hand on his lower back as he held Joanna and talked to her about the fishes. Jim caught the eye of the woman next to him and she smiled. It made Jim wonder what she saw when she looked at them. Did she think she was looking at a happy family?

They dropped a sleepy Joanna back off at the hotel and made arrangements to pick her up the next day.

“Did you have a good time?” Bones asked, taking Jim’s hand.

Jim jolted in surprise at Bones taking his hand. Bones had never been one for public shows of affection. “I had a great time.”

“Good. What do you feel like for dinner? I was thinking of the Greek place on Jackson Street.”

Jim readily agreed and it wasn’t until they were sitting down that Jim had an epiphany. “This is going to work.”

Bones looked up from his menu. “What is?”

“Us.”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.”

“No, I know, but before it seemed like it was a fight to make it work.”

A leg bumped Jim’s under the table. “I’m not saying we won’t have to fight for it in the future, but right now, Jim, it’s not about the fight. It’s about acceptance. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.”

Jim reached under the table to touch Bones’ knee. “I get it. I promise to always fight for us.”

Bones’ hand came to rest over his. “I promise to fight for us, too. I also promise to try my damndest to make sure you know just how much you’re loved.”

Jim was about to reach over the table and kiss Bones when the waitress came back for their drink order. Bones gave him a look that promised an interesting night before turning to order his drink. Jim savored the feeling of happiness, and because he was not above teasing, he ran his foot up Bones’ leg. 

  
  
  


**Epilogue**

_Seven years later_

Jim hurried through Starfleet medical halls, cursing a blue streak in his head as he bounded up the steps instead of waiting for the lift. He had been stuck in a meeting mediating between admirals. He thought he had another two days at least so was a little surprised when Bones called. He was about ready to tell them all where to shove it when they adjourned for the day. Finally making it to the ward he wanted, he stopped the first nurse he saw. 

“Excuse me. I’m looking for Dr. McCoy.”

The nurse smiled and then led him to the nursery. The sight nearly took his breath away. He absently thanked the nurse, who held the door open, before going over to Bones. His husband looked up at him and smiled.

“Took your sweet time, didn’t you?”

Jim didn’t reply. His eyes were glued to the bundle in his husband’s arms. “What is it?”

Bones stood up and placed the infant in Jim’s arms. “A girl.”

Jim grinned. “We just seem to attract them, don’t we?” He stared transfixed as he took in the features of their daughter. She was beautiful. She was _theirs._

When his vision blurred Bones took his arm and guided him to the chair he had vacated. Jim hastily wiped at his eyes. “I forgot to ask. How is Sara?”

“She’s doing well. Resting right now. You can visit her when she wakes up.”

Jim nodded. He would, if for no other reason than to thank her for giving them this most precious gift. “She’s really here, Bones. She’s really ours.”

“Yeah, Jim, she’s ours.” Bones ran his hand down the side of Jim’s face. “She’s got your chin.”

Jim hummed in agreement. “She has brown hair.”

When they had been selecting donor ova they had tried to match them as closely to Leonard’s physical characteristics as possible. Jim had been adamant that while the child would biologically only be his, it should look as much like both of them as possible from the very beginning.

“What color are her eyes?” Jim asked.

Bones smirked. “You’ll see.”

“Everything is good, right? We’ll be able to take her home in a few days?”

“The doctor said she was in perfect health.”

Jim stroked the baby’s cheek with a fingertip. “So, Charlotte Kirk-McCoy it is.”

Bones’ heart broke a little when Jim’s hold tightened on Charlotte when the nurse came to take her away to run some tests. Jim would never be over losing Ardon. They had found him in a still smoldering Betazoid settlement. He had warned Jim that they might lose him, but Jim was convinced that he’d survive. The baby had died a week later, not having been able to survive the loss of his familial bonds.

Eventually they moved past the loss and talked adoption. They then had to face the harsh reality that no one wanted to adopt to two active duty officers, without the promise that one of them would stay behind. Jim and Leonard had said they could wait, but Leonard had seen the want when Joanna would visit and call him Dad. They had wanted to adopt, both knowing the staggering number of orphaned children in the Federation. When that didn’t seem forthcoming, he had taken matters into his own hands. When he’d shown Jim the information on donor ova and seen the way he eyes had lit up, Leonard knew he’d done the right thing. They would add to their family without a doubt, but for now, Charlotte was enough. They had two years before the refits on the _Enterprise_ were done, and anything was possible.

When the nurse brought Charlotte back she put her in Jim’s arms. Handing Jim a bottle, she waited long enough to ensure he knew what he was doing before leaving. Leonard surreptitiously took a picture and messaged everyone an announcement.

“Bones!” He quickly glanced up to see what the problem was to see Jim grinning madly.

“Her eyes, they’re perfect.”

Leonard had thought so, too, when Charlotte had first opened her eyes and looked at him. She had Jim’s blue eyes, but one eye had a spot of brown. How like a Kirk to have both.


End file.
